Ahem. Hi. Your regular recapper couldn't be with us today, so I'll be your substitute. I couldn't find any kind of lesson plan, so I'm going to show a nice filmstrip and, if you all behave yourselves, we can play kickball after lunch. You in the back row -- get that chewing gum out of your mouth. No, I don't care what your usual recapper lets you do. Don't make me write a note to your parents. Before we get started, I suppose I should give you a little bit of background. Much like Djb, I owe my set of Twin Peaks tapes to a patient mother. However, mine are not from the original airing, but are instead from the show's first of many appearances on Bravo. And this was back when you had to pay extra for Bravo, and it didn't run commercials, and I was off in my junior (I think) year of college. My mom loves me so much that she subscribed to Bravo and taped the episodes for me. So a big round of applause for my mom.
Now, as you may or may not know, Bravo got David Lynch to film some special "introductory" segments for each episode, featuring that wacky Log Lady. Let's get right to it, shall we? I press play on the VCR, and immediately see a trail of ants making a living bridge to cross a river. This must be an episode that Lynch directed himself; this bug's life stuff is straight out of Blue Velvet. The ants carry off a big beetle. Gross! I don't remember this episode at all...Oh. Sorry. This appears to be the end of some kind of nature documentary. My mom must have programmed the VCR to start recording a little early. I seriously would have bought that as the start of an episode, though. Ah, here comes the show…For real now, honest. The Log Lady sits in her living room and performs the following monologue. I'm just gonna transcribe the whole thing, so that you know exactly what you missed if you never saw these segments. Won't take long. "Is life like a game of chess? Are our present moves important for future success? I think so. We paint our future with every present brushstroke. Painting. Colors. Shapes. Textures. Composition. Repetition of shapes. Contrast." So far this is clearing things up a lot, isn't it? The Log Lady thinks life is like chess, because of the brushstrokes we use to paint the future. Got it. "Let nature guide us. Nature is the great teacher." Well, I just learned a few things about ants, Mrs. Log Lady, so I'm still with you. "Who is the principle? Sometimes jokes are welcome. Like the one about the kid who said, 'I enjoyed school. It was just the principal of the thing.'" The end. Thank you, David Lynch, for teaching us to laugh and love. So now you know that, if you missed all of the Log Lady segments, you didn't really miss much.
Previously on Twin Peaks: Coop got a Bookhouse Boys patch and was accused of drug trafficking, and Major Briggs disappeared. Credits. Ah, the days when there was no teaser before the credits. I don't know why Djb is being so generous and letting me recap this episode. Admittedly, I haven't watched these tapes in a while, so I'm not exactly sure which episode this will be, and this is mid-second-season, but even the worst episodes had their share of tasty surreal weirdness. I think. The show starts with some rockabilly, which seems promising, and then we see James puttering along on his motorcycle while the credits continue. Oh, God. Kill me. The screen is filled with James. I'm not pausing the tape. I'm typing this all as we continue to stare at James moving down the deserted highway. Still going. We're up to the producer's credit, so it can't last much longer. More credits. More James. Will this never stop? James finally speeds up and passes the camera truck, and we cut away. This episode was directed by Duwayne Dunham, who also directed the second episode. Poor guy; his parents didn't know how to spell "Dwayne." And as if that weren't bad enough, imagine this: last time he was on the set, he was handed a script with lines like, "There was a fish in the percolator," he filmed Audrey's introduction to Coop, and then provided our first scare-tastic images of Bob. So he comes back a year later and gets…well, you'll see. I'm just sayin', poor Duwayne. And also: poor, poor me.