Twin Peaks
Episode Sixteen

Episode Report Card
1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Scream '90

Cooper stands at the end of a long hallway inside the Great Northern and watches as The Elderly Room Service Waiter from the second season premiere ambles into his view at the other end. Drool Cup speaks: "I know about you. That milk will cool down on you, but it's getting warmer now." Cooper looks curious and repeats "getting warmer now." Drool Cup gives Cooper a thumbs up and leaves to curl up somewhere and quietly die.

Finally in Ben's office, Truman shows Cooper Ben's recovered telephone records from the night of Laura's murder. Truman confirms that the phone call Leland described to them was made from Ben's office. Also, Ben gestures toward a stuffed white fox sitting on a table behind the couch, corroborating the strands of fur they found on Maddy when they pulled her out of the waterfall. And though I had completely forgotten about this and thought it so insignificant when I last watched it that I didn't even bother to recap it, when Leland returns "good as new" to Ben's office, he visibly turned around and grabbed a clump of hair off of that fox and shoved it in his pocket. Oh, cool. I didn't remember that Ben-as-killer was so explicitly set up as an intentional frame. I love that detail. But this episode is still kind of putrid. Back to the action, Albert saunters up to let them know that Maddy was killed between 10 P.M. and midnight, which also stands to implicate Ben. Noooooooooooo! Albert then hands Cooper an envelope that contains "Ben Horne's blood test." Cooper takes a peak and reveals nothing to us before handing it off to Truman. If the furrowing of eyebrows constitutes "deep thought" as much as the director of this episode (check out these accolades…snerk) would very much like us to believe, these guys are about to squint their way to a Nobel Prize, the trifling matter of Laura's murder be damned.

Police station. Another Useless Extra is toiling on a ladder fixing the sprinkler system because wacky comic hilarity is much more wacky, comic, and hilarious when there's a straight man present to watch it unfold. And with all the upcoming chatter about Dick Tremaine, I was beginning to doubt the presence of any such "straight man" on this show in the first place. Ha ha. Whatever. Andy accosts Lucy outside of her office and insists, "I want to talk about our child. Our baby." Lucy whines (why oh why do I even bother to qualify?), "Maybe it is our baby and maybe it isn't." Wacky Comic Foil stares down from the ladder with some confused brow-furrowing of his own (which, considering that gesture's direct correlation to above-average intelligence, I'm surprise Wacky Comic Foil doesn't suddenly glean the knowledge of how to bond hydrogen and oxygen molecules without the help of a sprinkler system and just get the hell out of this frame and go water the damned lawn himself) as Lucy bellows, "I thought you were the father, but then you said you didn't have any sperms!" But then she found out the sperms were back, "So as far as I can tell, it's a fifty-fifty proposition." Andy marches angrily over to a nearby phone and picks it up. Pause. Then: "I want to speak to Richard Tremaine, men's fashions." Lucy whines out some "please Andy don't hurt 'em" rhetoric while he waits, and moments later Andy speaks again, "Tremaine? Brennan. Andy Brennan. We need to talk. That is, if you're not too busy." Awwww. Darn lovable goofball. Watching Wacky Comic Foil looking at him so admonishingly, how on Earth could I believe otherwise?

Tojamura shows up at Ben's prison cell with the following sentiment: "You are in prison." Crazy, literal-minded Asians. Ben rises from the bed and assures "him" that his incarceration is "a momentary inconvenience," and Tojamura cuts to the contracts and insists, "you have papers to sign." And so Ben sets about the one-man spin machine, telling "him" about his unforeseen circumstances "some legal in nature, others…" He then apologizes and explains that he is both unable to return the five-million dollar investment or sign the Ghostwood contract. He sets about a speech about "the air that free men breathe" this and "the long, dark night of the soul" that, and as he retreads the isn't-there-another-way-to-prove-I'm-rich-and-fussy laying down of the hanky before he sits on the bed, Katherine bails him out and slides a red-polished foot out of her shiny black loafers. Ben puts on his glasses. "Katherine?" Yes, Ben. Just like the last time we saw it. She speaks, Piper Laurie Bitch Drawl in full-tilt, "Benjamin Horne. You're a slimy rat bastard, and I intend to make whatever remains of your pathetic existence a living hell." Ben has never been so overjoyed. He kneels down on the floor of the cell and kisses her feet, begging her to hand over her alibi to the police for the night of Laura's murder. She asks if she'll sign Ghostwood and the mill over to her and he offers, "In a heartbeat." She slides the papers and a pen through the bars of The Most Minimum Security Prison Ever (I mean, hello, murder suspect. I'm surprised Jerry hasn't devised a madcap "cake with file" scheme to bust his big brother out of there yet), and he forks them back in a hurry. "Now, you'll tell the Sheriff?" Katherine shrugs, "I'll think about it." Ben throws his arms through the bars and insists, "It's the truth!" More two-timing hijinks, "Why, Ben, we've spent our entire lives lying to each other. Why spoil it with the truth now?" She leaves. Ben runs across the cell, holding his hanky over each of the bars and screaming her name. 'Cause he's real fussy, like.

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