The credits stop once more, just in time to join our real heroes, Donna and Slater Fetus, in another indeterminate outdoor location, monotoning their lines with all the dramatic heft of just having been asked to record a book-on-tape of the back of a cereal box. "Yawn-ee-os," in all probability. James requests of Donna, "No more plans, okay? No more going off on our own?" Donna defends her actions on the basis that "he has Laura's secret diary. He could've killed her." Oh, puh-leeeeze. HE didn't kill her! If Donna really believed that, don't you think she would have avoided that lingering and completely unafraid "On a very special Twin Peaks" moment with James three feet from the front door of the house that Harold NEVER LEAVES a few minutes back? I mean, yeah, I'll go with Donna on the truism that Harold's mental washing machine got permanently lodged on "Unbalanced Load" some time ago, but I attribute that opinion of him to the fact that he NEVER leaves his house, rather than thinking he leaves only for light chores, church on Sunday, and to kill Laura in an abandoned train car? I'm sorry, but that theory possesses about the same narrative continuity as a Choose Your Own Adventure book read in linear page order. Either way, James tries to rationalize their recent behavior: "After Laura died, everything just went by kind of fast." Oh, yeah, this plot's been moving Mach 10. Jane, get me offa this crazy thing called Hurley Subplot! What? More? Oh, okay: "It's like, if we could put our hearts together and just keep them that way forever, we'd be safe, no matter what." Mixed metaphors ("put our hearts together"?) and biological impossibilities (um, "put our hearts together"?) notwithstanding, the two kiss and kiss as an instrumental version of "Just You" holds the soundtrack hostage yet again. God, I hate that song.
Episode Report Card674 USERS: C+
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