And so the three make their escape diary-free, stopping inches from the front door. Inside, it's Harold's turn to cower shaking in the corner as he clutches the copy of the diary that is his last tangible connection to the outside world. Okay, last time, everyone just take a deep breath and repeat after me: supermarket magazine rack. Even as this scene takes place, in fact, literally tens of remaining Twin Peaks fans are on their way down to the Food Lion and discovering thousands of unsold copies of the book, right there between the Dentyne gum Donna treats herself to as a little dietary reward she likes to call "Christmas Dinner" and the tabloid magazines advertising heinous and blatant lies such as "Starving Man Eats Himself!" or "Eric DaRe Will One Day Work in Hollywood Again!" Lies, all of them lies. James holds Donna and asks, "Did he hurt you?" And then she begins to cry as the two hug and hug. Inside, Harold looks up at the ceiling and screams miserably.
And then the opening credits finally begin to roll, implying that the full dramatic heft of the previous sequence could not have been quite so poignantly rendered if marred by the garish introduction of the show's ever-expanding troupe of veteran talent. Wow. What self-indulgent directorial mind could possibly have deemed her (or, y'know, his. Whichever) opening sequence so earth-shatteringly important that she would forgo the series convention and move the credits (which are now so rife with pointless extras that they threaten to outlive the episode itself and end sometime in the middle of Nightline) to a time more convenient for her and her "artistic vision." Who directed this mess? WHO? Oh, hello, Linka. So we meet again, I see. And so the credits roll and roll and then they roll some more, barely diverting our attention from a shot of a running stream at night to a shot of the fantastically innovative moodily blowing trees to an owl-not-what-it-seems. Finally, we are inside of a log cabin I don't think I've ever seen before, where Cooper carries in a dazed Audrey and places her gently on the bed. Hawk stands behind them, with two other hovering presences the viewing audience is at a loss to make out (Who ARE those people? I'd love to see the original storyboard for that shot, Linka) as Cooper reports his findings, "Sluggish pulse. Pupils constricted. Breathing slow and shallow. Needle marks. Most likely heroin." Audrey stirs on the bed and calls Cooper "Daddy" (well, in a perfect world, maybe. And even then in a purely "who's your daddy" kind of way) before opening her eyes and seeing him. She relaxes: "I prayed. I prayed that you would come. And you did." Awwwww. That would have been so much more genuinely rendered if Cooper's look of subtle protectiveness hadn't been so obscured by the name "Fumio Yamaguchi" appearing in green letters right across Cooper's mouth just then. Linka? Enough. Seriously.