Twin Peaks
Episode Thirteen

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I'd Just About Had My Chlorophyll Of Them Anyway

And now, the worst scene ever. Maddy sits outside (Outside! During the day! I don't think we've been outside during the day since the rocks-and-bottles halcyon days a thousand episodes since. Or, in the linear time of the show itself, "a few hours ago") on a dock overlooking a lake. James pulls up behind her on his motorcycle. Dismount. He walks over and sits down next to her. "I think I owe you an apology." She responds, "Not really," and by the noncommittal response, I wait for a pregnant moment for her to add, "If by 'not really,' you mean 'the entire television-owning populace of the planet Earth." But, of course, that would have kept this scene from achieving the status of Worst Scene Ever, and I've already mentioned that avoiding that status was simply not to be. He continues that he "felt something" for her, but wasn't sure what it was. She helps him out: "You looked at me and saw Laura." He agrees. Maddy: "You want to know something kind of strange? I liked it." Ew. Maddy recounts her past with Laura, saying, "When we were growing up, Laura and I were so close it was scary." Even though I'm sure I remember her saying something when she first slapped on the Elvira-with-bangs brunette wig and rolled into town about she and her cousin never really being that close, but whatever. Either way, "when she died suddenly, I got the chance to be Laura. At least, other people saw me that way. Like the way you looked at me. I liked that, too." James counters that "it was wrong," and I stifle a game show runner-up's Lifetime Supply of James-as-Fetus Jokes (he's too young for her, he only loves her when she's lactating, blah blah blah) because, really, you've heard 'em all before. Stupid lifetime supply. More? More: "For a while, I got to be somebody different. Now I'm just me again." Yup, now she's just her. Sheryl Lee, Twin Peaks Convention Hostess Extraordinaire at the Hiawatha Room in the Best Western in Mitchell, South Dakota and future star of the UPN classic LA Doctors. No wonder she loved being someone else. Maddy tells James that he and Donna belong together. And then James actually says these words: "Well, if you really love someone, it's like this bright light is shining on you all the time, and you're right in it, and it's great. But I just don't think you can be that way all the time." Maddy thinks that you can. James wants to "make the way [his] heart feel[s] last forever. Pretty weird." Maddy tells him she's going home tomorrow. She only came to Twin Peaks for Laura's funeral, "but now it's time to go." He's sad, but she's expected back in Montana. And, really, if anyone needs to be sympathetic to the duel concepts of "setting a due date" and "cutting the cord," it has so got to be James Hurley. Thank you, lifetime supply. She kisses him and leaves. Total dreck. Really.

Ben's office. He hands Josie a glass of wine, and toasts "to the fire." She stage-directs a smile for a moment and then looks up a close approximation of "coy" in her "English to Suck, Suck to English" dictionary as she vamps, "I've got the contracts with Pete's signature and I want my money." She takes another envelope out of her pocket and tells him that until she has her money, he won't be getting "this." Oooh, "this." The center of all dramatic tension in the scene. And I have absolutely no idea what it is. Ben plays it cool and tells her he just doesn't have the cash, but "as soon as the contract payments arrive from Iceland," he'll cut her a percentage. She says she's not leaving without the dough and, well, Ben does just enough acting for the both of them as he walks over to his desk and guesses that she is "under some kind of pressure." She warns him not "to play games," and he coyly (actually coyly. Nice work, Ben) repeats the word before taking a key out of his pocket, leaning in on her across the desk, and reporting, "Josie, this key unlocks my personal hotel safe. Now, in that safe, I have put together a fascinating dossier on you, my dear, and your late husband Andrew's little boat that went 'boom.' So you behave yourself, lady, or believe me when I say that I will bury you." And she leans across the desk from him, unearths her own key, and pretty much repeats the same speech verbatim, except for the part where she completely forgot to translate it from Suck this time. He takes the five-million-dollar check from Tojamura out of his desk and signs it over to her. She proclaims their relationship "finished," and just before she's out the door, he calls her back and congratulates her: "Well played." She looks one more time around his completely wooden office and wonders why she feels such a strong familial bond with the end table. Soon enough, Josie. Soon enough.

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Twin Peaks

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