Hurley House Of Horrors. Doc "Susan's Dad" Hayward applies bandages to Mike "Gilardi" Nelson's and Nadine "The Dentist II" Hurley's damaged heads, telling them, "Take some aspirin. Call me in the morning." Rivet me, oh Hippocratic dialogue! Hayward moves to the other side of the couch, and Mike leans over to Nadine, proclaiming his love for her: "All right, I've said it. And I'm glad." He leans in to kiss her, but Nadine stares back at him in horror and asks, "Who are you?" She stands up in a hurry, screaming at him, "What are you doing in my house?" She tells Ed "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory" Hurley to "make him go away," noticing Norma and asking, "What's she doing here?" She begins to whinny and cry, steeling herself against the elements by running to the far side of the room and now really bellowing, "Where are my drape runners?" And Nadine's back. Ed runs up to her, grabbing her arm and asking, "Nadine, how old are you?" A struggle ensues, Nadine wailing, "I'm thirty-five, you moron!" Mullet Mike stands up and whispers, "I'm sorry, Ed. I think I let things get a little out of hand." Norma "Kelly McQueen Foster" Jennings stands alone in the corner, looking damaged and sad. But she'll be back before any of the rest of them. That's for sure.
Eileen "The Patriot" Hayward sits around her living room, looking forlornly up at a suddenly-appearing Ben "My Girl 2" Horne. "Assistant District Attorney" Donna Hayward comes barreling down the steps, packed suitcase in hand, screaming at her pleading mother, "I've heard enough!" Ben good-guy-whispers, "Donna, it isn't your parents' fault. It's mine," and Lara Flynn -- much as I like her and you guys know that I do -- just can't pull off the unbridled high drama of her response, "My parents? Who are my parents, anyway?" It's a little Lifetime to begin with, but she just screams it right into the ground. Ben attempts to keep things even with his measured assertion that "I only wanted to do good. I wanted to be good. And it felt so good to tell the truth. After all these years." On cue, the door opens and the good doctor enters the house, snarls, "Ben, DAMMIT!" and throws his briefcase down. He tells Ben to get out of his house. Ben does the most Hail Mary move known to good guys in the Good Guy X-Games, making fists with both his hands and putting them meaningfully near his chest (try it you'll know what I'm talking about), asking, "Will, can you forgive me for what I have done to you?" From behind Doc Hayward, another figure appears at the door, and in walks -- holy crap, it's Sylvia "???" Horne! Everyone looks completely shocked, but not half as shocked as she is, as she walks out of obscurity and into the room, asking, "What are you trying to do to this family?" It's Sylvia Horne! Donna hugs the doctor emphatically, wailing, "You're my daddy! You're my daddy! You're my daddy!" in a not entirely uncreepy way, and Hayward advances on Ben, snarling, "Leave my family alone!" Ben tries to turn the other cheek, but the other cheek goes sailing into Hayward's first and right into the corner of the fireplace, knocking Ben unconscious with a big, bloody gash in his forehead. Hayward screams in fury and drops to his knees, and the most dramatic flourish of strings -- let's call it "Elegy For A Sylvia Horne" -- sends this scene to its merciful end. You guys? Sylvia! Horne!