Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Three

Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
"Windom's Angels" just doesn't have the same ring to it

Albert "Team, Interrupted" Rosenfield listens to the sad, minor strings on the soundtrack and somberly complies. He holds up two small plastic bags containing bullets and informs Cooper, "This is the bullet we removed from you. This is the one that was excavated from the dead man's skull. Same bullet, same gun, same killer. Let's go get her." Cooper suggests that Albert "hold [his] horses," and, realizing his task of helping the viewing audience ignore a cliché that hadn't been written in dialogue form since this show was airing on the Plangea Television Network before the continental drift hundreds of thousands of years ago, Albert kicks in with the Albertesque wordplay and asserts his opinion: "Coop, I appreciate any reluctance you might have for busting your pal's old lady, but the woman ventilated you and left you for dead." Heh. "Ventilated." Cooper wants to "talk to her" and "see if she'll confess," and Albert snipes that "maybe she'll grow wings and join the circus" because the unlikely concept of "monkeys flying out of butts" had just minutes before been patented by another network, leaving the final line of this scene without the stinging early 90s bite it might otherwise have possessed.

Great Northern. Audrey makes her way through the lobby in a strikingly Jackie O. pink Chanel number of some kind, approaching a uniformed Great Northern employee and letting him know, "Randy, I've got a list of all our non-repeat guests. We're gonna send them a special invitation to the Great Northern." Who's Randy? What's going on? This Randy character retorts all sarcastically, "Your enthusiasm brings a salty tear to the eye." Oh, burn. Audrey is taken aback, but This Randy keeps right on digging, "I think you will find that my job requires a little more than a tight sweater and a perky attitude." Yeah, it also requires a Sally Struthers certificate in hotel/motel management, a body type to fit whatever size of natty, red polyester jacket that happens to be available, and -- and pay attention to this one, Randy -- a healthy dose of knowing just how not to piss off the boss's daughter. What is the matter with this man? Okay, so not the point. Audrey tells him that she's just learning the business and plot develops, "Every week a different department." He snarks something else about anticipating her stint in housekeeping, hands her an envelope that came for her this morning, and takes off. What a fiercely prideful concierge! They just don't make them like that anymore. Audrey sits down at the desk and undertakes pinning on a nametag, a task apparently addressed on the first day of Hotel School right after learning the part where you answer the phone saying, "Great Northern, your name speaking. Only you don't actually say the words 'your name,' you say, y'know, your actual name." She's unable to conquer the nametag issue. Fighting the good fight, she barely even notices the approaching presence of Billy "Titanic" Zane, who steps up to the desk and informs her, "I've just checked into Room 215." Note to concierge: nerve gas instead of water in the shower for Room 215. This guy. Oof. Having watched him fight through Titanic as a one-dimensional villain with all the nuanced shades of the white spy in the "Spy Vs. Spy" series, it's even sadder to see him swoop in here and unseat Cooper as Audrey's sudden love interest. She stops fumbling with the pin just long enough to look up at him and fall in love. He reads her nametag and asks if she could arrange for someone to come out to the airport and pick up some of his "heavy equipment" and, well, ew. She asks what flight he was on, and upon finding out he owns his own plane she refers to him as "Mr. Rockefeller." He thanks her and tells her, "I have a picture of you." Eh? "You're wearing a little dirndl skirt, you've got a white apron on, you have pigtails. It's unbelievably cute." Er, interested in sharing that private photo collection with the authorities, are you, you dirty old bastard? Zane slips away. The mysterious stranger. Sheathed in mystery and money and intrigue and salacious pictures of underage girls. Audrey rips open the envelope That Randy left for her and reads a handwritten note out loud: "Save the one you love. Please attend a gathering of angels, tonight at the Roadhouse. 9:30." Oh, the multitasking. Dunno, Randy. Seems like she's doing all right to me so far.

Hurley house. Nadine interrupts Ed in the process of legitimizing the presence of those awful, awful figurines, entering the room looking very dour. He asks what she's doing home from school, and as the Twin Peaks theme song plays all ironically, Nadine tells Ed they have to talk. "Mike and I are in love." Apparently, on the wrestling trip they had "the most magical night together." Ed pointlessly asks, "All night?" Ed's incredulous stare is misinterpreted as utter despair, and Nadine plays the infidelity card, retorting, "Well, you and Norma did it." She tells him that they "have to call a spade a spade. We're breaking up." She apologizes and hugs him, Ed wondering why he was unable to find those words at any point in the last twenty years and wondering after the stamina of a high school boy's continuing ability to nightly collect Nadine's pirate booty, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

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