Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Three

Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
"Windom's Angels" just doesn't have the same ring to it

Over in the dining room, Ben, Audrey, and A Man Who Voluntarily Lets Other People Call Himself "Billy" In Real Life chat about the nature of Mr. Wheeler's business: "First of all, call me Jack, please." Okay. Jack. Whatever. "I buy bankrupt, failing businesses, I streamline them, bring them back up to speed, and then usually sell them." Ben lights a cigar and sings Wheeler's (er, "Jack's") praises all the more, telling Audrey, "When Jack is finished, the waste is rerouted, the air is cleaner, and the people happier." Jack frets that Ben is making him sound "like Santa Claus," but Ben has already risen and gone at a message from a hotel employee (I'm sure That Randy has already joined the Sylvia Horne Post-Employment Club, so it's not him), and makes off on the excuse that "the chef just tried to stab Jerry," leaving the two of them alone. Cue non-cute, non-flirty verbal sparring. Jack assumes that Audrey doesn't like him very much, and the universe is all, "Snerk." She's annoyed that he's stepped in to save their asses when the Hornes have been able to take care of themselves for "all this time." She small talks him about where he goes when he's not rescuing damsels in distress tied to train tracks and single-handedly building houses for indigent orphans plank by plank with his bare hands, and he responds, "The far corners of the Earth. I tell you, it's glorious out there, Audrey. All in all, it's good to be home." Audrey: "I'm only eighteen." Aw, crap. She tells him that she "has an appointment," and takes off in a hurry. But as people do on TV when they're done with a conversation without really being done, she turns to face him before she leaves the dining room and tells him, "I'll see you later." Not if ABC's dwindling patience with this pap sees you first.

Roadhouse. 9:30. Donna enters to find Shelley already sitting at the bar, and she tells her, "I got this really weird note. Someone wants me to meet them here." Shelley pulls out her scrap just as Audrey enters and the three pieces are locked together. Shelley reads the completed note out loud to make sure my recapping day never, ever ends:

See the mountains kiss high heaven, and the waves clasp one another
No sister flower would be forgiven, if it disdained its brother
And the sun might clasp the Earth, and the moonbeams kiss the sea
What is all this sweet work worth, if thou kiss not me?
Oh, great. Three interesting women with potentially cool plots to follow, and they're being held hostage for the remaining seven episodes by Jack Freakin' Handy. And that, people, was the last 90s reference of the night. Or so you must believe. Earl sits at the far end of the bar, only a bucket of mud dumped symbolically over his head away from literalizing the extent of dirty old man he is quickly reaching.

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Twin Peaks




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