Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Two

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Diane Keaton wuz here

Windom Earle stares into a cracked (natch) mirror, pasting on a fake moustache and mutton chops because he's, I think, going to some kind of Monkees-oriented costume party, and his favorite one is Davy Jones. How much more psychotic he'll feel inclined to become when everyone there thinks he's come as Micky Dolenz. Behind him, Leo sits at an elementary school desk, and Windom demands without looking at him, "Work slowly. And with care. Everything must be written with a steady, uncompromising hand." He walks over to Leo and notices he can't write at all, considering his slight learning impediment of having spent several weeks in a coma, and he hits the shock collar a number of times over. Leo screams. Windom kisses him on the cheek and gives him a bite of a cookie. Awwww. He then shows Leo a piece of paper which, mysteriously, has photocopied pictures of Donna, Audrey, and Shelley on it, and announces, "Pretty words for pretty girls. Which one shall be my queen?" Windom has Leo lick an envelope, and in doing so hits the piece of paper starring the three girls, which flips in the air and falls to the floor in agonizing slow motion.

James unconscious. Evelyn unwilling. Malcolm in the middle. Donna, "I looooooove him!" Malcolm, "What are you doing here?" Donna, "I called the cops!" Evelyn: "I can't kill him!" Donna: "Boo hoo hoo!" The slo-mo Bar Mitzvah Video effect kicks up, and Evelyn shoots Malcolm. Goodnight, Malcolm.

And, finally, to the Great Northern, where Cooper whistles a happy tune and walks toward an elevator I'm not sure has ever been there before. To drive home the point of the narrowing action I'm sure I never would have gotten otherwise, Cooper flips open his wallet and takes out a black-and-white Glamour Shot of a non-sex symbol with feathered hair and bangs and pines, "Caroline." Two men were willing to die for this woman? I guess Pittsburgh is as depressing as everyone says it is after all. The elevator doors slide open and Windom walks right past Cooper and to the concierge. He hands her the envelope and announces in the official national accent of the sovereign nation of Foreignia, "For Ms. Audrey Horne, please." He's never going to get away with this Lon Chaney thing at all…that didn't sound a thing like Mickey Dolenz.

Up in Cooper's room, the once-special once-agent hangs up his neutral-toned coat and turns around to note a white mask with glowing eyes peaking out from underneath Cooper's blanket. Horse's head already taken, Ms. Corleone? He walks toward the bed with the obvious level of closing-moments trepidation, and when he picks it up, his own tape recorder begins to play. Oh, great. What's Diane going to do now that the crazy man has taped over Cooper's "I like several types of shoes" diatribe he's doubtlessly offered the poor woman. Anyway, Windom blathers as such: "Breathtaking, wasn't she?" See, Earle, after the crumbly black-and-white photo with the eighth-grade graduation hair, I wouldn't go phrasing your proclamations of her beauty in the form of a question. I'm just saying. More: "Funny, isn't it? After all this time. After all that happened in Pittsburgh. I still love her. And I know you do, too. Now, Dale. Listen carefully. It's your move." Cooper looks through the eyes of the mask, Diane pats herself on the back and makes off to negotiate her contract for Runaway Badalamenti, and we fade once again to blah.

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Twin Peaks

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