Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Two

Episode Report Card
Djb: C- | Grade It Now!
Diane Keaton wuz here

A brief shot of The Trees That Do Moodily Blow takes us inside the Packard house, where Josie "China Beach" Packard (yeesh…sorry about that one, but you see how hard it is to maintain this particular nickname theme, no?) sits at the kitchen table with Cooper and Truman. Truman tells her that "the Seattle police want answers, and I have to tell them something. They know you were connected with Jonathan." Josie asks how he was killed, and we pan over to the AP story screaming "Asian man killed!!!" as the headline from last week's episode. Cooper fills in that blank: "He was shot three times in the back of the head." Josie takes Truman's hand under the table, as Cooper stands to get more coffee. He finds the percolator that recalls the glory days of a fish within it, and takes a deep breath because Diane Keaton is a very, very clever woman. The swinging door swings, and in comes a gigantic pile of dry cleaning as carried quite awkwardly by Pete. The kitchen door swings open and closed not short of fifteen times while Pete and Cooper stand behind it, Pete filling Cooper in that he was helping Josie out because "Katherine has been running her into the ground." The phone rings, and some wacky dry cleaning hijinks ensue as Pete hands the parcels off to Cooper. Ring. Hello? It's for Josie. Cooper, meanwhile, conveniently uses this moment to extract a fiber from a black article of clothing. Josie picks up the phone to hear Eckhardt's evil-as-British voice on the other end, and he tells her, "I was wondering if we could get together." Pause. "Did you hear what happened to Jonathan? Dreadful. Dreadful." Word. The scourge of the killed Asian man. Or should I say "KILLED ASIAN MAN!!!" The three exclamation points were what really killed me. Cut to the kitchen, where Katherine, eavesdropping, utters a sinister, "Welcome to Twin Peaks, Mr. Eckhardt." The convo ends, and we cut to Eckhardt ripping off his incredibly Price Club sunglasses and reporting to a bizarrely mannish woman standing nearby, "She's run back to Katherine Martell. I'm so disappointed." She-man barks something in, I think, Russian, or perhaps some kind of Scandinavian strain befitting her insanely Nordic build.

And over to Ben Horne's office, Johnny Horne (!) looks perfectly contextualized in his native headdress gear while rocking back and forth in front of Ben and Doctor Jacoby. Jerry "The Other Brother" Horne stands off to the side looking quizzical, while Audrey "The Girl With The Crazy Brother" Horne (it was one of Director Diane's TV movies…whatever, look it up) stands besides him. Oh. And there are also five teenagers wearing numerous shades of marching-band-maroon and holding snare drums. Whatever. I just recap it and the checks roll in, people. Ben prattles on about the spoils of war blah Honest Abe blech, and Jacoby makes his way over to Audrey and Jerry, telling them he can't really sense any progress. Jerry walks Audrey out into the hallway and tells her, "Now, there are certain advantages to leaving him insane." He continues on that there are certain "projects" of Ben's that Jerry would like to continue in his brother's mental absence, but Audrey wrecks her uncle's opportunist ploy with the simple statement, "I've examined his will, Jerry. If my father becomes incapacitated, it all goes to me when I'm old enough. And I am old enough, Jer, and he is incapacitated. I get my way either way." Jerry suddenly decides that "what's happened to the man is a tragedy," and if they're trying to make literal some specious brother-against-brother metaphor, well, then they've taken things a step too far. Shut up, Diane Keaton. Wow. There's something I thought I'd never have to say. Except during Marvin's Room, of course. Cue five billionth chorus of "Dixieland." Did I lose a bet?

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Twin Peaks




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