Ugly Betty

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We open at the Mode offices, with a totally soaked Betty standing in Daniel's office. He, quite reasonably, would like to know why she's dripping on his bagel. She explains that she was up on the NYW floors when the sprinklers went off. My next question would be why she didn't go back and get me a dry fucking bagel, but Daniel is a nicer boss than I am, and also uses language appropriate for the family hour. Betty explains that she was getting Salma's autograph on her totally "inspired" book, Girls Like It On Top. Daniel sniffs that it doesn't seem particularly inspired to him. Betty dabs at his bagel with a napkin and tells him that, duh, the title is a metaphor. Daniel just looks at her face and points out -- nicely -- that she has mascara, um, all over it. Does he have any messages? Betty tells him that the third freelance writer in a row has turned down an assignment to review a new hotel. Daniel is annoyed -- apparently, this kid used to write for "an airline magazine," and now "he thinks he's Katie Couric." Dude, airline magazines are delightful. I love the SkyMall. Betty offers to try to track down another freelancer, but Daniel is too distracted by a wet Salma Hayek marshalling her troops in his conference room to tell her what to do.

Daniel storms into the conference room and demands to know what Salma's doing. She can't take over his conference room! "Your Daddy said I could," Salma tells him. "Mr. Meade didn't okay it with me," Daniel tells her, a little patronizingly, and she retorts that, in that case, he should take it up with Bradford. Daniel gets perturbed that they're moving his Big Magazine Mock-Ups all around, so Salma maturely reacts by throwing one of them on the ground and making derisive comments his "half-naked, emaciated" cover models, and his lead story, "'Ten Ways to Lose Thighs and Get Guys.'" Never mind the fact that this sounds like an article better suited for Cosmo! I need to know how to do both those things! Daniel wonders whether her lead story is "Ten Ways to Treat a Guy Like Dirt, So That You Wind Up a Lonely, Desperate Cat Lady." Okay, I DON'T want to read that one. Salma rightly notes that his title is a bit long. "But thanks for the pitch!"

While this pissing contest is going down, Marc eavesdrops on Bradford and Wil, as Bradford convinces Wil to play host to "Ted LeBeau, the president of Beau-Mart." Wil sniffs that Beau-Mart is the "fashion equivalent of ravioli," but Bradford reminds her that they need his ad dollars -- he's only in from Texas for the weekend, and she's the only person at Mode who can talk him into it. "And yet I'm still only the creative director," Wil reminds him pointedly. Bradford ignores this -- maybe the fact that he's probably about ten minutes away from getting dinged for trying to cover up Fey's "death" is distracting him -- and adds that Ted will be more receptive to "a beautiful woman." Wil can't argue with that, and agrees to "charm the denim chaps right off him." And knowing Wil, I imagine that she shall.

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Ugly Betty

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