Daniel visits Alexis in jail for the whole Christina thing, and she sadly tells him about DJ's persona. Namely, that the person to blame for his annoying Francoteenistic presence is her former gonads. And looking at the fake-ass body double Daniel tackles next, she's about to blow another one. Wilhelmina blocks Claire's financial pressure on the District Attorney with pressure of a more whips-and-chains type, and her obvious S&M tendencies finally come to light. She gets him to up Alexis's charges from Misdemeanor Pushing A Gorgeous-But-Useless Pregnant Scottish Lass Down Some Stairs to Attempted Murder Of A Scion-Bearing Womb.
Later, Wili visits Alexis and offers a deal: clemency in exchange for Alexis's shares of Meade. She declines, and eventually it's Claire who strikes the deal: Alexis will split her shares between Wili's fake baby and Daniel, making Wili and Daniel co-EICs and giving her half of Meade overall. This is amazing, and Wili takes it in stride: 50% is hers now, 50% remains to be gotten.
Meanwhile, Gio has returned with a cart full of sandwiches and a notebook full of judgments, more than prepared to make Betty feel like a total asshole as usual. Excited to see him and hear all about the Rome trip she crapped on, she's shocked -- shocked -- when Gio's judgmental ass explains that the trip was horrible, she is horrible, and she is banned from both his life and the world of sandwiches. She spends the entire episode trying to make it up to him, but as he explains -- and he has a point -- she's not interested in changing anything, just making herself feel better. He finally admits, heartbreakingly, that she broke his heart, and she gets it. So once again, Gio shows up and Betty turns out to be a dick.
Speaking of, Tony's all over Hilda until a case of mistaken identity -- resulting from the use of Betty's apartment, of course -- leads Tony's wife to visit Hilda and beg her to make her sister Betty reconsider stealing her husband. This is brilliant because it's a total confrontation with the wife under the auspices of being a sympathetic confrontation with the wife, and pretty much redeems all of Hilda's stupidity this season. She acts her ass off, dumping Tony -- not on the eve of, mind you, but -- hours after he's actually told his wife they're through. Citing Santos, she says she cannot be a part of another woman's life falling apart. Which, of course, leaves Tony in the crapper, but: tough beans, cutie.
Daniel spends the entire episode trying to kidnap DJ, via Betty, so his wonderful and lovely French grandparents can't get him. Betty thinks the PO'd wife is the grandparents, so they hurry DJ down the fire escape into Gio's cheesy/meaty van and over to Coney Island for a day of fun, bad food, and ... overhearing Daniel admitting to Betty that he's not actually the father. DJ runs off and spends some time alone, but Betty has explained the point of this episode -- that Betty Suarez Land, Daniel Meade Land, and Hilda Suarez Land are fun places to visit but by living there you hurt everybody -- and Daniel lets DJ go with style. She takes this wisdom home, letting Gio be mad and admitting she didn't actually care that he was mad so much as she was worried about being the good guy. All in all, good use of Gio, although Betty's sudden lack of introspection is, as usual, upsetting.
DJ leaves town, Daniel forgives Alexis as she leaves the country and the show for the time being, Claire and Alexis have another one of those wicked hardcore goodbye scenes that this year have become the emotional backbone of the show, and... I guess we get to see Daniel's reaction to Claire selling his ass to Wili next week. I, for one, cannot wait. We're back to status quo, which normally annoys me, but I trust the show enough to know that the loss of both Alexis and DJ can do nothing but raise the bar for next week. I'll miss you, Rebecca, and I will miss your freakishly large breasts. But I won't miss the bullshit storylines they hand you.
Fashion Buzz is all about how this week, the "center ring" of the Meade Family Circus belongs to Alexis. There is an entirely different adorable cartoon showing how she threw a pregnant woman down "a pesky flight of stairs," and then Lloyd is all about trying to get as close to the visiting Daniel's limo as possible -- including, awesomely, screaming "Make a hole, bitches!" at the surrounding paparazzi. It would seem that Daniel has lost his gumption, standing as he is with his back to the crowd and a black trench over his body; Lloyd assumes this unfortunate circumstance has taken such a tool that Daniel has become some sort of "twisted hunchback," which is both a funny punchline on its own and points to the real punchline: Miss Betty Suarez, who flips the script on them and screams "HA!" at the disappointed press just as Daniel's slipping in through the back.
Betty calls to make sure he got in okay, and mentions how proud she is of him for supporting his sister. Even if, in this case, she pushed Betty's best friend #1 down the stairs and threw Betty's best friend #2, and her own brother, under the bus for it. He's not happy to be there either, but his mom told him to do it, and God forbid you say no to Claire Meade on a Hot Flash day. Anyway, Betty asks from deep inside her own personal universe, can she take the towncar to work? The answer is no.
Daniel stares across the table at his sister, who looks as much "like crap" as it's possible for Pepper Dennis to look, which is to say not very, but they at least tried to smudge some mascara or something on her eyes and called it a day. She complains that they took away her eyebrow pencil, and he informs her that she's getting out with a fine and a few hundred hours customer service. He wonders aloud why Claire made him come down to say that in person, but of course Alexis has something to share with him.
Specifically, what I am trying to say is that Rebecca Romijn is about to explain to her brother, Eric Mabius, that she is the father of his Parisian child. And that is why I love Ugly Betty.
So he looks at her like, "Um, go for it," and she explains how thirteen years ago they both banged a woman in Paris, and Alexis was still a man, and the woman in question was DJ's mom, and... Daniel's just like, "Yes, get to the pertinent information." I mean, it's Daniel. You have to connect the dots for him. "I saw the results of the paternity test, and you're not DJ's father. I am." Daniel is totally stunned all the way through the rest of her speech, about giving up her parental rights and keeping this all out of the press. Basically, she thinks they can keep everything the same and nobody has to know that Daniel's not his son's father, and um, she's sorry... And that's when he jumps over the table and attempts to beat the shit out of her. Or rather, her totally skinny stunt double who could probably take Eric Mabius, rock-hard pecs or no, any day of the week. Those are some rough bitches.