Ugly Betty

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Legalité, Libéré, Sororité

Betty having promised Gio when it's all done he can drive his meaty cheesy van far far from "Betty Town," they're all three doing a pretty good job of having fun. I mean, "fun" insofar as taking part in creepy nasty carnival delights is fun. It's a headspace thing but I've accomplished it in the past. You know what's weird? Shooting water, into a clown's mouth, until a balloon, coming out of its head, pops. I bet the person who invented that "game" died in prison. I just have a strong feeling that there was something dreadfully wrong with them in a way the authorities are trained to detect.

They send the contested dual-citizen child currently the subject of an international custody battle off to have some fun on Coney Island while they stand around being stupid and boring, and then Daniel comes up and he's like, "Where's my kid?" and they don't really know. He's fine with that. He explains that they're taking the Meade family jet to a country as yet TBA -- "What country has no extradition treaty with us? Iceland's a real country, right?" -- because the judge wouldn't grant a stay, of course, so Daniel finally explodes with the missing, obvious jigsaw piece that Daniel Junior is not actually his son... Just as DJ is walking up.

And I mean he gets ten kinds of Freedom about it too, like, running off in slow-motion while a ballon rouge floats impishly up into the sky and this cloyingly cute little girl with a cute little haircut makes cute little faces and hides her cute little laughter with her cute little hand and hides cute little garden gnomes and eats adorably serendipitous crème brûlée and ... I don't know. Johnny Depp eats some chocolate and realizes that even he must struggle at this point to remember why the name Vanessa Paradis sounds so nigglingly familiar.

But like damn, that was lazy writing: Daniel keeps this one obvious fact a "secret" the whole time, needlessly complicating an already-complex script, just long enough to scream it in front of the kid. The same thing happened on Horseland this morning. I normally don't watch it, but I'm obsessed with this early-morning show called Cake and it comes on right after it. On the upside, Gio notes heartlessly, DJ's English is getting pretty good.

They roam Coney Island at will and discuss how Daniel couldn't tell her the very simple truth because saying it out loud, like everybody has been doing the whole episode, would somehow "make it real." I guess specifically telling Betty would do this, is the point, because she's all Daniel has in his life that even approaches reality. Daniel tells her that Alexis was the actual sperm donor, which results in a pretty awesome whoa face, and Betty talks Daniel out of going on the run and fucking up his life and sense of the ways things work even more than Daniel's already been doing. In the process of talking Daniel through this, she realizes spontaneously that Gio is totally right about Betty Suarez Land, and somehow transmits this information about narcissistic solipsism to Hilda, wrapping up all three conflicts neatly. Gio appears and taps Daniel sweetly on the shoulder, having figured out where DJ went through his powers of knowing random shit for no reason except that even the show is tired of this storyline.

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Ugly Betty

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