Ugly Betty

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Legalité, Libéré, Sororité

Meanwhile, Betty is blathering on the phone about she's so proud of Daniel and whatever, he's so mature and growing as a person, and just when you're starting to believe that she's actually talking to dead air, because nobody fucking cares, Hilda stops ignoring her and asks once again if she can use Betty's in-town apartment to meet with her married boyfriend. Betty explains that that was a one-shot deal based on the fake idea that they wouldn't fuck like disgusting pigs, but fool me once... Hilda whines that Ignacio walked in on her boyfriend taking a shower for no damned reason in Betty's living room, so they never even got to talk about his marriage, much less make out. Betty agrees to one last visit, but threatens to change her locks after this, and then sees something that makes her scream. Me too: a little tiny sandwich douche with a chip on his shoulder.

Again under the assumption that anybody cares, she shrieks, "Oh my God, Gio's back!" Hilda points out that it's totally going to be weird, what with Betty dumping him basically after he asked her to go to Rome. True, like, not even Gio deserves to hear, "Spazzing around to a horrible Madonna song and biking with lesbians is absolutely preferable to spending two weeks in your company. Sorry for dicking you around for an entire season and then spitting on your romantic gesture for no good reason." Betty's take is different, because as she remembers that conversation, he smiled hugely when she did this, and told her to have a wonderful trip across the lesbian landmarks of America. Hilda knows, of course, that this is a fantasy and yet another sign of Betty's early-onset dementia, but that selfsame dementia hangs the fuck up on her.

Oh man, that "Breathe Me" song just came on shuffle and it occurred to me: you know what would be a great storyline? If Betty got some horrible disease. I'm not being mean and she wouldn't have to die of it, but it would give her a chance to be strong in some actual circumstances instead of the ones she keeps creating for herself, plus everybody would be nice to her and show they care, and I like when Wilhelmina has feelings... Oh wait. They already did that storyline. And now he's back from Rome. Buongiorno!

Betty clodhops herself directly at Gio and envelopes his sexy self in the sweaty meaty Suarez love, shaking him within inches of his life and scaring the life out of him. Peeling himself out of her arms like a rabbit trying to get away from an overenthusiastic kindergartner, he drops a short distance to the floor and hands her a sign: the braceface de La Fea with a big old Ghostbuster circle over it. Apparently, he will tell her nothing of Rome, nothing of himself, and in fact she is banned. From both his sandwiches and his life. I wonder really which bothers her more.

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Ugly Betty




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