Ugly Betty

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Legalité, Libéré, Sororité

The Freedom people -- the male of whom is totally Jacques Pépin -- thank Daniel for taking care of their grandchild, and let him know that DJ has been sending back constant letters about how much he digs Daniel and his life here, but: "His family is here." Daniel points out that he is DJ's family, and they get all kinds of Freedom on him, with the thin old people lips and whatnot, and they basically trump everything when they note how their daughter is dead and DJ is all they have. Daniel can't face that one down.

Dude, would you rather be wicked rich in Paris or wicked rich in New York City? Given the fact that the American financial system turned into the opening credits of a dystopian science fiction thriller back in July -- "Back in 2008, nobody knew rescuing Fannie Mae would lead directly to a privatized apocalypse police state and end civil liberties as they knew them -- now mankind stands at a crossroads..." -- get my ass to gay Paris. Daniel tries to pretend he has no idea where Betty took the kid, which is in itself retarded, because: what, on day three she becomes a kidnapper perv, and that helps how? Luckily, Amanda's there to fuck it up for him, telling all three of them that she's got the kid at her Manhattan apartment. "You're welcome!" she sparkles, and tosses him a wink. Daniel is so sad because you gotta be some kind of blowup doll to ruin an ill-advised kidnapping plot so blithely. Honestly, they both get into so much trouble when they're apart for even five seconds I wish somebody would just duct-tape Betty to him at this point.

Half-hour later and Betty's about five seconds from duct-taping Gio to the chair as she forces him to look at photo after photo from her tragic American tour. I cannot think of anything more precisely calibrated to make you hate a person. Ironic. He points out that she's being a dick, and she's like, "Just picture me! Betty Suarez! Hanging off a cliff, fifty feet in the air!" Gio pictures the shit out of that. She lectures him about how only one percent of visitors actually make it to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, and thus she has learned she can do anything, even things that terrify her, thanks to the lessons she learned at his overbearing knee. "You pushed me to take risks! Like plagiarism! And sexual experimentation in the Mojave with lesbian cancer-surviving bicyclists! That's you, buddy! You changed my life! Into something weird and hard to understand! Thanks!"

"So. Breaking up with me made your life better." She's like, "No, listen!" Gio explains that the torture she's putting him through is all about making herself feel like something other than a total asshole for dumping him that way and then forcing him to process it in exactly the way she wants him to so she can get back to basics and starting dicking him around and hot/cold/ignoring him like she did all last year. The thing is, she lives in Betty Suarez Land, vision quest or no, and for once this is not about her, but about things she has no control over.

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Ugly Betty

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