Ugly Betty

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Legalité, Libéré, Sororité

She bleeps right over the truth of that statement like the names in a Russian novel and focuses on the part where her name happened. "I don't live in Betty Suarez Land!" Uh, you kinda do. "25 Teddybear Lane, Betty Suarez Land, USA." He explains that it takes two people to have a relationship of any kind, which is untenable when one of them -- in this case, him -- is totally uninterested. Case closed. Unless you're Betty, and then you just keep pushing: why though? Why not? How come though? Why wontcha?

"BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY HEART," he screams. It is awesome. Gio wins. Of course, Daniel calls right before Betty totally admits that she returned his jerkness tenfold, and she gets to opt out of this entire conversation too. The grands-parents have discovered where she is, and are on their way with Freedom speed. Meanwhile, Mrs. Hottie Diaz has arrived and is banging on the door, so she assumes that they are still on UES time and everything is happening louder than everything else, so she's like: They're heeeeere.

You got Diaz screaming outside, Daniel squealing like a baby on the other end of the phone, DJ being utterly fucking useless as usual, and Gio in the middle of a life-changing breakdown, so what's Betty going to do? Toss the kid down the fire escape ("escapé flambé," for those students of la belle langue among us) and commandeer Gio's van. Yeah. Without blinking she pulls this shit. So Gio's like but isn't Daniel the father and she explains the bullshit about Freedom legalities and blah blah, but please don't take out the fact that your eternal hatred of me is now legitimate on Daniel or his stupid child, which does it, so they escape together.

And I mean, like the most annoying young hipster family in existence: Betty with her plastic glasses and bright yellow tights and those goddamned braces, tiny muscley Gio with the attitude and the gross cheese van and slight bisexual-or-a-painter vibe, and the long flowing locks of a tweener whose pinkie contains more insouciant ennui than an entire class of American college freshman. They should only grab some moleskins and go to Park Slope, they'd vanish into freaking thin air.

Speaking of Brooklyn tragedies, is this the Kenley Kreation? Because Marc and Wili are wearing matching outfits that look like something the Mad Hatter called "trippy" and then made out with. They commiserate that prison reality is not living up to the fantasy at all, like so: "Where's all the scary beefy trade?" Oh Marc, Wili says tiredly, We're in a women's prison. "I know." Set and match! It's not even a joke, practically, it's just like ... what you would be thinking.

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Ugly Betty

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