Ugly Betty

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | Grade It Now!
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'Til We Have Prada

Back in Queens, the family is no more interested in Betty's drama than normal. Justin swans around in a pink tank mangling sports metaphors; Hilda just wants her to get a Player cover signed by sports figures for some Coach Tony-related auction. Betty says she felt like she was cheating just by talking to Wili, and Hilda immediately goes on a whole meltdown about how it's not cheating to explore options, and shuts herself down pretty quick: "I ... just care about you!" I'm tired of cartoon Hilda and I wish real Hilda would come back; she was with her babydaddy for about five seconds and it's time to get a new, healthy hobby. Betty resolves to talk to Daniel immediately, because especially at Mode, secrets tend to go bad. Of course, Wili is right this second blowing Daniel's mind with the hints about Betty possibly deserting him.

Daniel freaks out on Betty about how she's stepping out on him, and she's forced to admit that working for Player isn't exactly her dream job. Please, it's not even a job she can comprehend! She admits she's not happy, and he swears he is, but her suspicion -- and wonderfully intimate, loving dubiousness about it -- cause him to go insane on her because she's right. She begs him to stop shouting and be reasonable, and he tells her very reasonably that she is a poopoo head and that he's taking his ball and going home and she go play with Wilhelmina for all he cares. Betty heads to Wili's office and asks if the offer's still open, sadly; Wili smiles horrifyingly in response.

Betty and Christina walk somewhere so that Betty can bitch about how Daniel's ambition and fight are gone, and very-compromised Christina tells her that she can't change Daniel, and needs to watch herself. There is a reference to Wili as the Wicked Witch of the East Side, which is passably funny but pretty much a home run for old Christina. She counsels Betty that only Betty knows what she's capable of, and frankly is selfish and honest enough to admit she just likes having a friend at Mode. Mark and Wilhelmina watch them embrace, and Mark rejoices about being in charge of Betty. Wili tells him not to be too hard on her because the point isn't to drive her out, just keep her in a holding pattern and away from Daniel's ass and her constant saving of it.

Mark offers Betty a mimosa at Cold New Mode, immediately admits this was a lie, and then says if she doesn't fuck up he won't have to beat her with a bag of oranges. He punctuates this whole round of abuse with a constant nose-tapping that would cause yours truly to punch him in the dick. Christina warns Betty not to eat or drink anything he gives her, which is awesome because of the whole Underworld aspect of life without Daniel in Wili's thrall -- how maybe you can check out any time but you can never leave -- but also the whole idea of people at a magazine slipping each other pomegranate mickies, which Mark underlines with more tapping: "You're on Team Slater now! No drugging of you!"

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Ugly Betty

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