Ugly Betty is back, baby! Okay, quick recap from last season: Betty and Henry were star-crossed lovers kept apart by Henry's pregnant skank ho of a girlfriend, Charlie, but the baby might not be Henry's after all (see "skank ho," above); Ignacio had to stay in Mexico because of immigration issues; Alexis rushed a drugged-up Daniel to the hospital only to crash into a tree, ironically due to her own attempt to kill Bradford; Bradford proposed to Wilhelmina and she accepted; Claire and her prison buddy Yoga escaped; Amanda discovered that Fey was her mother; Santos proposed to Hilda and they were happier than Coney Island clams, but then he got shot randomly in a convenience store. Enough plot for you?
We open on a telenovela entitled Las Pasiones de Betty. As one might imagine, it involves Henry, a.k.a. Senor Grubstick. And Betty is a maid. And Henry is a cowboy. And a glamorous Charlie says that Betty is a whore and she's having Henry's baby. It all ends with Charlie and Henry realizing how much they love each other and pushing Betty aside. But lo! It was all a dream! And Betty is running late for work. She mentions that Daniel is getting out of the hospital today, so we've clearly skipped a little time since last season's finale. And Daniel's okay. This would be cause for celebration if he didn't always act like such a tool. Betty asks Justin if his mother is coming down, and he says, "Like she'd ever leave that room." Well that doesn't sound good. Justin doesn't want to go to his arts-and-crafts camp, which is reasonable, as they make macaroni necklaces like six-year-olds. The Suarez house is falling apart. Justin asks when Ignacio's coming back from Mexico, and Betty says he'll be home soon, adding quietly that it's got to be soon. Remember how some guy seemed like he wanted to kill Ignacio? What happened with that?
We shoot up to Hilda's bedroom. She wakes suddenly and asks, "Where'd you go?" And then, in an excellent shout-out to Dallas, Santos comes out of the bathroom door in a towel. He's bandaged around the waist, and says he feels a lot better and might be ready to go back to his place. Hilda doesn't think so, though. He says it's been three weeks, and she'll have to let him out sometime. She doesn't want to leave the room, because she's kind of freaked out about him being shot and all. Maybe he could just avoid 7-Elevens from now on? No Big Gulps, but I think staying alive is a good trade-off.
They turn on the TV, and it's the fashion buzz, featuring an oh-so-fake interview with Wilhelmina, squeezing Botox droplets out of the place where her tear ducts used to be as she talks about Alexis, who fluttered her eyelids to indicate that she wanted them to go on with their wedding. So, Alexis is clearly in a coma. Wili says something about "our girl," and we cut to Claire in a souped-up pad throwing something at the TV. Yoga walks in, looking very Ralph Lauren. The two are in Montauk, chilling in the Hamptons, which, as Yoga says, beats the crackhouse in the Bronx. She's enjoying blueberries from the farmers' market and mentions a clambake, adding that everyone thinks she's either the maid or Gayle King. Ha! Claire enjoys none of the Hamptons perks, and she really just wants to see her children and get her husband back. Her hatred of Wilhelmina has not lessened one bit. Claire thinks about returning to NYC in a disguise, of which her unknowing host has plenty. Wouldn't it be awful to come back from a vacation in Europe only to discover that convicts on the lam have eaten all of your non-perishable food items? And, knowing Yoga, gotten crumbs in the bed?