Previously on Ugly Betty: Wili was back with a vengeance, and wasted no time in getting herself reinstated as creative director at Mode. Claire assigned Betty to write an article for Hot Flash -- a whole 300 words! How will she ever finish? Hilda developed the hots for Justin's gym teacher, and Betty had some hots of her own to deal with when, in the wake of her breakup with Henry, Gio stated his intentions to be "The Guy."
And lo, it has come to pass. Or, should I say, and Lohan, it has come to pass. We begin in flashback. Picture it: Queens, 1999. One Lindsay Lohan -- or Kimberly as she will now be known -- picks Betty to be on her dodgeball team. Betty has moved up a rung from her position as last picked -- she is now second to last picked. She seems flattered. All of the students are wearing bright orange T-shirts, which has the effect of making them look like they are on prison work release, spearing trash on the side of the interstate. Lindsay might want to get used to this feeling. As the game begins, Lohan yells, "Get behind the human shield!" and everyone darts behind Betty. About eight dodge balls come her way, and we jump to the present. Betty has told Gio this story to explain why she hates sports and won't be participating in the Mode versus Elle charity softball game. However, the softball game is Daniel's pride, and he really wants both Gio and Betty to play. Gio, for his part, thinks it will be a fun thing for them to do as a couple. Betty protests that they're not a couple yet, and says she wants to take it slow. She will, however, allow Gio to take her on a date "soon." He says it will have to be very soon -- he's going to Italy for a month to find his own unique "flavor." It's all part of his five year plan.
Before Betty can decide whether to be sad or not, she spies a shipment of Hot Flash magazines being delivered and rushes to grab one. She flips through a bunch of ads for old lady crèmes before finding her column -- "Young at Any Age." And this is when Betty learns a lesson about getting published in a magazine. Her article is wee and completely rewritten with terms like "natch" for "naturally." "Natch" is like the Miley Cyrus of the lexicon -- annoying, foisted upon an unsuspecting public, and utterly without purpose. Betty goes to ask Claire about it, and Claire explains that while Betty's idea for the article was great, the execution wasn't. It was too... safe. As Betty thanks Claire for her constructive criticism and the opportunity, Claire asks what she wants to be when she grows up. Betty says that she wants to be Claire. Minus the pickled liver and extended stay in the big house, I'm guessing. Betty loves magazines, and she wants to own one. Claire is certain that Betty will achieve whatever she wants, but warns that she's not going to do it by playing it safe. She'll have to take some risks, not only at work, but in her life. I think Claire wants Betty to request a serving of Gio's kosher dill.