Previously on Ugly Betty: Betty wants to have memories with Henry! Christina already has a secret husband! Wilhelmina has Bradford's frozen sperm! And also an inhospitable womb! And also a dastardly plan to have Christina carry her illicit frozen hate child for the cash she needs to get experimental treatment for the terminally ill aforementioned secret husband! Amanda had a revelation that Fey Sommers was her mother! Claire had a confession that she killed Fey Sommers! And Gio has a crush on Betty that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
We begin with Betty passed out on the floor of Gio's deli. With all of her clothes on. Phew. An attending cop tells her that she threw a trashcan through the deli window. There is glass all around, and she's handcuffed. Again, fully clothed, so ease your minds, Henry and Betty shippers. Gio tells the officer that he won't press charges, but Betty says she's ready to face the consequences. When she realizes that the consequences are five years in jail, she takes Gio up on his offer. Betty expounds on her do-gooder-ism, and tells the officer that if he knew her, this would be really funny. The officer replies, "Crime isn't funny." Except when it equals Paris Hilton going to jail or Lindsay Lohan improvising the genius "they're not my pants" defense. Then it's throw-your-head-back-and-clap-your-hands hilarious. In any case...is this a dream sequence? What's going on? As a dazed Betty says that she hasn't been herself lately, we go back in time a few days.
We zoom in on Fashion TV, where we learn that the prosecution has rested in Claire Meade's trial. She's pleading not guilty by reason of insanity for the murder of Fey Sommers. Alexis clicks off the TV as Betty wheels out some designer jackets for Daniel's testimony at the trial. She says that Daniel needs to appear conservative and trustworthy. Might want to lose the translucent peach shirt, then. Alexis agrees, saying that they're the face of Claire's defense, and the jury needs to see them as just plain folk. "Said the Amazon transsexual," is Daniel's reply. Tough talk, peachy nips. Alexis sends Betty to Claire's house to get a new suit for her trial as well as a favorite perfume. Daniel, meanwhile, knowing that he's an irrepressible fuck-up at heart, worries that he and Alexis are going to do more harm than good with their testimonies. I wouldn't doubt it.
We then cut to Christina, sitting with Wili and Marc, exclaiming, "You want a WHAT?" Yes, says Wili, a baby -- tiny and soft with a face like a little old man. It is true that newborns look just like wrinkly old people, so at least no one can argue that there's not a resemblance to Bradford. Christina continues, "And you want me to carry it? In my womb?" As Marc mocks her, Christina asks in disbelief if he's the father. There are some corresponding rising and drooping finger gestures that I'd prefer not to go into in too much detail. Wili and Marc laugh, though Marc notes that with Wili's evil disposition and his eyes, that kid would be unstoppable. Wili lies that it's an anonymous donor, and tells Christina with tears that she can't carry it. Marc adds that it's tragic, and that Bono and Sheryl Crow should do a benefit concert for her lady parts. Ah, The Concert For Poontangladesh. I can just see it now. Christina says she's sorry, and then Wili whips out the $100,000 offer, including a mid-sized cardboard check. Marc reminds her that with $100,000, she can purchase experimental surgery for someone she loves. Christina wonders how they found out about Stuart before determining that evil is all-knowing, and she announces that her uterus is officially closed to devil spawn. If only Britney had stood by the same principles.