So, as you may remember from waaaaaay back when the last episode of Ugly Betty aired, Daniel has recommitted to his boozing and womanizing ways. Betty tries to get him back to being the responsible, creative fellow that he was for six whole months, and in the process tries to fend off Quincy Combs, a sleazy biographer who's doing an exposé on the Meade family with Daniel as his prime target. Alexis, however, has no problem blabbing to Quincy about how much she hates her father, and becomes quite interested when she finds out that Quincy has Fey's diaries, with the exception of the missing volumes from the last six months of her life. Quincy suspects that they might be found in Fey and Bradford's secret in-office "love nest," which Alexis is keen on finding. She eventually finds something in the diaries about how much her father cared about her, when she was a him, and softens a bit. And though the love nest is said by Amanda to be non-existent, it in fact is revealed to be behind a wall of shoes. Wilhelmina is also interested in Fey's diaries, but for another reason -- she wants the skinny on how to seduce Bradford, since her attempts so far have been futile. As it turns out, Bradford has quite the foot fetish. Let that visual burn into your brain for a while, and then let out an appropriate-sized "Ewwwwwwww." Wili gets her feet soft and supple and commands Bradford's attention by picking up a pencil with her toes. I'm not making this up. Meanwhile, what is meant to be a fun night out with Christina turns into a nightmare for Betty. She first inadvertently disses a fat guy, then steals a microphone from a DJ and embarrasses both herself and Daniel, then has Daniel tell her that she's not his babysitter and needs to clock out when they leave the office, and THEN finds out that Christina has been doing Wilhelmina's dirty work. And what is meant to be a fun night for Daniel also turns into a nightmare, as he inadvertently sleeps with a sixteen-year-old model whose mother is angling to get her on the cover of Mode. He makes a late-night call to Betty for help, and she's all, "Eff you, I'm off the clock." And what is meant to be a business-oriented night for Ignacio, who is supposed to meet his immigration lawyer at a dinner at Constance's house, also turns into a nightmare as she tries to force him into marrying her. But it's all because she's sad, so it's okay! And really, I'm just so happy to see that subplot end that I'll let it slide.
Previously on Ugly Betty: Ignacio accused Constance, his INS case worker, of stalking. In return, she put him under house arrest, which I've always found is the best way to prove to someone that you're totally not stalking them. Christina tried to resist becoming part of Wilhelmina's dastardly crew, but was told in no short order by the Wicked Witch herself not to try crossing her. Claire turned herself in for Fey's murder, and, even while detoxing, she resisted Wili's ploys to try to gain control of Mode. She did it all for her children, but at least one of them showed a distinct lack of appreciation. Daniel, having been bested by Alexis yet again, decided that he didn't even want control of the magazine, because he has a lot of partying to catch up on. This ought to end well.
We begin with Amanda doodling a rather remarkable, yet mean, likeness of Betty on her desk. Amanda says that she was just thinking about Betty, which Betty thinks is nice. Man, she should know better by now. After Betty leaves, Amanda says, "Wow, they're even bigger than I remember," and adds some girth to the eyebrows of doodle-Betty. Betty takes to her desk, where she has to field a lot of calls for an absent Daniel. Courtesy of a split screen, we see that while she tells someone that he's in a breakfast meeting, he's pouring wax on a woman's stomach. Right in the belly button, too! Maybe he's trying to make a votive. While a frantic Betty tells someone that Daniel is all tied up, we see that he is -- in leopard print restraints. Betty finally leaves a message for Daniel, telling him that Alexis is totally running the company and that he needs to get in the office. She ends by asking him to pick up if he's there, and finally saying, "I guess you're out." We see that he is, in fact, passed out. Boozing and hot sex will do that to you, or so I hear.
Meanwhile, a little Truman Capote lookalike in a red hat is poking around in Daniel's office. Betty comes in and asks if she can help him. The little man says that he's just looking around at the inner sanctum of the feckless prince, and adds, "As the empire dissolves, even the cushion on the bone-white chaise sags with defeat." Tough talk from Jowly McMarmaduke. Betty realizes that this man is Quincy Combs, who is writing a sleazy tell-all book about the Meades. Quincy responds, "Oh, it's a critic, too." I'm going to have to start referring to people as "it" to their faces more often. It packs a punch. Quincy begins to ask Betty about a blind item about a certain magazine editor found humping under the Peter Pan statue. Oh my God, Daniel has even gotten into Tinkerbell's Tinkerbell. Are there no limits to his madness? Betty quickly says that it wasn't Daniel in a manner indicating that it totally was. She then grabs Quincy's arm and forces him out, telling him that she bites, too. He says that Betty may be the beast who guards the gate, but that she shouldn't underestimate him -- he's taken down kings, presidents, the electric car. Daniel Meade does not stand a chance against him, Quincy says. Betty shouts at him to go, but looks worried.