Ugly Betty

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
The Lyin', The Watch And The Wardrobe

Manhattan. Wilhelmina walks and talks with Marc, who's still in his Betty outfit. She asks him to go down to The Closet and "tell that drunken Irishwoman to bring up my dress for the ball." Marc hesitantly points out that Christina is Scottish, actually. "Don't care," Wil barks. He then gives her all her messages: one from Calvin (Klein, I presume), one from Karl (Lagerfeld, surely) and two from "Nico." At this last one, Wilhelmina tells him not to spoil her morning. Marc takes this to mean that her date the night before went well. And indeed it did: "Jason dipped his toe into Lake Wilhelmina and let's just say...the water was very warm," Wil purrs. Marc is both happy for her and totally grossed out by this, saying that he doesn't really want to know what that means. But Wil continues with the TMI, explaining that it's really refreshing to be with someone who knows how to "keep...up." And it's lines like that, I think, which have caused me to start recapping like Mae West, or something, all blow job cracks and inadvertent saltiness. See, it's not my fault after all! Anyway, Wil is inviting New Young Hard Jason to "the Halloween Ball." She can't resist him! They just look so good together! Marc, turning to look at Wil's television, tells her that she's not the only one who thinks so: Patrick Fabian is the current FashionTV reporter, and his lead story is Wilhelmina's new amour. Except that -- oops -- in keeping with the FTV modus of making others feel bad so that the rest of us feel good, the scuttlebutt is that Wilhelmina is robbing the cradle. Wil looks horrified, and Marc starts hitting the TV frantically, trying to turn it off. Eventually, as Patrick Fabian suggests giving Wil a "lifetime achievement award" and "putting her out of our misery," he just yanks it right out of the wall. Wilhelmina sadly tells Marc to call Jason and tell him that the ball is off: "He's making me look like Miss Jane Pittman!" She then tasks Marc with the enviable assignment of finding her a new date. "And take that ridiculous costume off! I can barely stand looking at the real one," she snaps. Marc looks like he might cry, and rips off his wig (which is my favorite bit of blocking ever, no matter the show) and storms out.

Queens. Betty sashays down the street, looking very self-satisfied and rather adorable in costume as a purple and orange butterfly, complete with wings and googly antennae. Her hair is also looking marginally better. We'll get her made over in no time, just watch. She's minding her own business when a large butterfly net comes down over her head: it's Walter, in costume as a...I almost said "bee keeper," but I guess he's a "butterfly collector." Nice way to illustrate Walter's tendency to be a bit controlling. Betty looks 90% annoyed and 10% pleased by the attention. Walter hands her a big plastic jack-o'-lantern full of candy, and tells her there's a surprise for her at the bottom, but she needs to eat her way down to it. "No cheating." Butterfly Catcher, heal thyself. Betty agrees, and reminds him that she has to go to work. "Miss you!" Walter chirps. Betty sort of just smiles and starts to go. He nets her and tells her she didn't say she would miss him. Betty assures him that she will, sounding mildly annoyed. Replace those actors with Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott and you've got the opening scene of a Lifetime Movie that ends with Betty killing Walter after he inflicts two hours of creepy, insect-related spousal abuse on her.

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Ugly Betty




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