The secret knock at the Speakeasy Salon, hilariously, is "shave and a haircut," and Justin's challenge ("I got the horse right here") is met by the beautiful lady at the door with the proper response ("His name is Paul Revere"), but he doesn't let her in until she says she's not a cop. (And I am so morally opposed to musical theatre that I don't even get that joke, thank you very much. Although I will say that I saw the Sweeney Todd revival on Halloween and it was about the best thing that's ever happened to me, so you know I can't be trusted.) She's only there to have her lovely silver roots done, and gets past him easily. Inside, Hilda's jamming an ugly Betty hat onto the head of the last client, and giving her all kinds of paranoid rules and hassle, and as she welcomes the lovely lady into the salon, Ignacio appears in his Flushing Burger costume and his usual look of disapproval, and they talk about standing up for yourself or whatever. When he talks, I just hear the theme song to Clone High. Not because he has any relation to that show, because it's awesome and he's Ignacio Suarez, but I don't know. It soothes me. It's so pretty and self-aware, but it's a little sad, too. It's like the song equivalent of Wilhelmina Slater.

Betty's hoofing it down the road, gasping and adorable, and inside the store it is so effing creepy, with the jars of candy and everything kitschy and wooden and like rocking chairs. Where the fuck are they? This gives me hay fever even to just see it. You can smell the diesel on the guy. He's like, "Lady, I would love to give you a ride, but the government didn't want me driving after that third DWI." There's a little boy there, but he can't drive either: just throw a balsa airplane at her head while she's buying Amanda's beef jerky, and then hide behind some boxes of wine or buckshot or deer corn or whatever they sell at places like this, DIY divorce paperwork kits, Shrinky-Dinks, those little plastic purses that you squeeze sideways, I'm flying blind here. But not Betty, who snatches the airplane back from the kid and reads the side: "Sky-Rider." She asks for a phone book, and because I am distracted or illiterate, I was like, "What, she's going to dust some crops too? ...Oh, right."