Ugly Betty

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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You're Not The One For Me, Fatty

Betty gets snatched from the Mode hallway by a mysterious person, who is Marc. By the light of the copier, he says strange things. "Powerful forces are arrayed against you," he says, and "Things are not what they seem," and "Not all birds fly south in the winter," but she's not feeling him so he finally flips the lights on: "For God's sake, Betty, I'm not going to jeopardize my job by spelling it out. Go talk to Phil at the loading dock." He turns the lights off again and whispers awesomely, "He knoooooooows."

It's ever so noir. Phil's not talking, so she bugs him and bugs him -- "You're like a gnat with glasses!" -- but when she says she can spend all day there not reading hatemail from the Daughters of Kansas, he admits she got a raw deal. "You're a pain in my ass, but you don't deserve this." He pulls her to a secret nook -- all this whispering! -- and tells her the call from Daniel wasn't to hold the order, but to ship it.

Daniel comes into his office and Betty's looking out the window so sadly I can't handle it. "You lied to my face, Daniel." He swears she wasn't supposed to go down, and protests that he defended her, but she's not having it. "Things are not as simple and you and I wish they were," he says, and calls it a business decision to save jobs. "And ruin my reputation!" He says it'll blow over, but she reminds him she's not Daniel Meade, she's just an assistant, hopefully not in perpetuity, and that all she has her is reputation, which is now ruined: Betty Suarez has become Tornado Girl. She takes off and the precursor to that sad song starts playing while Daniel feels bad. Oh man, they're totally going to play that sad song they play, with the piano! During Marc's conversation with Cliff, I just know it. Goddamn it, I have no immunity to that song! It makes me cry every time! I hate you, show!

Ignacio shoves yet more high-fat sugary snacks down Hilda's face and then Archie shows up with this big box, looking all dreamy, and Hilda's snappish. She asks if he's there to evict them now, which is hilarious, and he says he doesn't want to be the guy even tangentially related to the killing of her dreams, which he isn't except in her crazy head, and says he found a loophole. If 30% of her profits come from selling products, she can get a permit for a boutique. Hilda asks what she's supposed to sell, and Justin is amazing some more, lying on the couch and flipping bitchily through the Fashion Storm and pointing without looking: "Are you kidding? First you can get rid of this hideous lamp, and then get rid of a half a dozen of those saints, and while you're at it get rid of Betty's hats." Without looking up, and you can tell the actor is loving every second. Everybody stares at him because he's turning into something strange and wonderful. Archie produces some random candles from the box and Ignacio doddles off to get his camera, and she flirts with Archie, and Justin pretends not to be loving that, and long after he's gone, Ignacio wanders back downstairs and looks old and lost and senile and Hilda's like, "Oh, Papi." It's cute.

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Ugly Betty

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