Ugly Betty

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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You're Not The One For Me, Fatty

The car doesn't stop, and Amanda does this adorably distracted mumble, "Wait, wait I wasn't ready..." And Marc's still rolling around ass-up on the ground, suggesting they get back to the city before five so they can all get completely drunk and act like none of this is happening. (This is also how I spent the last week.) Betty's like, "Marc, you stay in that strange position..." -- Marc gives a thumb up in his awesome driving gloves, like only Marc St. James would wear leather gloves to drive a Volvo station wagon, but also only Marc St. James can pull it off -- "...Amanda, you come with me." She wants to go back to this store she saw and get a ride. Amanda informs her that the stilettos were not made for walking. I wonder what will happen when Amanda figures out what they actually are for? Betty heads off by herself and Amanda tells her to grab her some beef jerky, but at least she says thank you. Betty does that thing where somehow her deltoid muscles do the complaining, and keeps walking.

The secret knock at the Speakeasy Salon, hilariously, is "shave and a haircut," and Justin's challenge ("I got the horse right here") is met by the beautiful lady at the door with the proper response ("His name is Paul Revere"), but he doesn't let her in until she says she's not a cop. (And I am so morally opposed to musical theatre that I don't even get that joke, thank you very much. Although I will say that I saw the Sweeney Todd revival on Halloween and it was about the best thing that's ever happened to me, so you know I can't be trusted.) She's only there to have her lovely silver roots done, and gets past him easily. Inside, Hilda's jamming an ugly Betty hat onto the head of the last client, and giving her all kinds of paranoid rules and hassle, and as she welcomes the lovely lady into the salon, Ignacio appears in his Flushing Burger costume and his usual look of disapproval, and they talk about standing up for yourself or whatever. When he talks, I just hear the theme song to Clone High. Not because he has any relation to that show, because it's awesome and he's Ignacio Suarez, but I don't know. It soothes me. It's so pretty and self-aware, but it's a little sad, too. It's like the song equivalent of Wilhelmina Slater.

Betty's hoofing it down the road, gasping and adorable, and inside the store it is so effing creepy, with the jars of candy and everything kitschy and wooden and like rocking chairs. Where the fuck are they? This gives me hay fever even to just see it. You can smell the diesel on the guy. He's like, "Lady, I would love to give you a ride, but the government didn't want me driving after that third DWI." There's a little boy there, but he can't drive either: just throw a balsa airplane at her head while she's buying Amanda's beef jerky, and then hide behind some boxes of wine or buckshot or deer corn or whatever they sell at places like this, DIY divorce paperwork kits, Shrinky-Dinks, those little plastic purses that you squeeze sideways, I'm flying blind here. But not Betty, who snatches the airplane back from the kid and reads the side: "Sky-Rider." She asks for a phone book, and because I am distracted or illiterate, I was like, "What, she's going to dust some crops too? ...Oh, right."

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Ugly Betty

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