Ugly Betty

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Cook Like Betty Crocker/Look Like Donna Reed

(Which yes, it does exist, but Madonna? Not in my secret underground Gay Mafia. Maybe as far as Lykke Li, but come on. Who writes this show, those guys that still tan? OMG are there multiple secret underground Gay Mafias? That makes total sense. And if so, the logical next question is whether there's some kind of One Ring To Make Them All My Bitches scenario that can play out where you unite all the secret underground Gay Mafias, like ... the Five "Families." Because that would make everything so much easier... Except probably it involves going to those scary Lights Out parties at Geffen's house, which: Never. Again. But I do love the sort of Fairy Godfather pageantry of like: In London, something mysterious happens to Alexander McQueen's tartan samples -- Elton John's wig falls off in Berlin -- Kylie breaks a heel -- Kathy Griffin shuts up for a second -- Margaret Cho decides to say something funny -- Tom Ford has a waxing mishap, you know, like all at once, and then you cut to a sort of high-strung laughing shadowy figure shaking all over like a rescue greyhound, and it's Chris Crocker putting a plastic crown on his head and he's going, "It's Britney, bitch" and then the maid closes the door and you just have to wonder: What next?)

She presses him to take the packet and promises to apply next year, and tells him to take it before she changes her mind. Because I'm so sure YETI is all about getting jerked around. He apologizes intensely for what he said, and tries to prove he's not racist by pointing out that some of the hottest guys he's ever "dated" were Latino, which is gold star for effort but sort of too stupid to really acknowledge, and she kind of just stares at him and walks away. He thanks her and she grins hugely to herself, but she keeps walking.

Hilda watches Justin feel horrible, and begs him to talk about it, and he won't because he has no idea what actually happened. "I'm on your side," she says, and he tells her that Randy went from being his best friend, but now he hates Justin because of his friends. "That's their problem, because you're perfect," she says. Which is sort of a toxic thing to tell a kid who's trying to fit in -- for once -- and finishes up: "All that matters is that you never for a second change who you are," which is ... good advice, but only the lesser half of the good advice, because the other half is, "Fitting in is a struggle for everyone on earth, so do what you have to do, but don't lose sight of yourself." Maybe that's implied. Anyway, he offers to take her to the show instead, and she's overjoyed. And then he wonderful all by himself, but still sad. Oh, Justin. Teenagerhood is a slow-motion bloody car accident for everybody, and I have never been a straight teenage boy and I can only imagine how fucked up that is, but it's the awful shit that happens to us in high school that makes us awesome if we work it, so I say bring the noise. He's a strong kid with strong role models and good bone structure. He can do this.

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Ugly Betty

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