Ugly Betty

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Zero Worship

Previously on Ugly Betty: Christina had a secret husband! He's back, and he has a mystery illness. Amanda has a mystery father! And she's determined to find out who he is, even if that answer is "Dustin Hoffman." Alexis's ruthlessness has never been a mystery, and she took the reins of Mode from Daniel after a particularly spirited paintball match. And Wilhelmina planned to sperminate herself with dead Bradford's frozen swimmers, which certainly have the same hairline as the old coot himself.

We begin with Betty entering an elevator full of Robert Plant video ho look-alikes. Sadly, the elevator has exceeded the maximum load upon her arrival. "You don't know it's me," she says. Actually, by this point, we know it's always her. Christina grabs Betty and yells that she HATES fashion week -- bitches, divas, and everyone is on the new cheesecake heroin diet. Ah, so Britney's just been following the fads! Christina and Betty hate the skinny models. As you do. Amanda grabs Betty to give Daniel his VIP tickets to some shows, someone else gives her a Mode show guest list that's to be filled with famous, pretty, skinny people, and Henry gives her provisions for the week and a big old smooch. Those two are still cooking! I mean, probably literally they're making quesadillas.

Betty walks into Daniel, who tells her Alexis has given him a peace offering of a fancy new office chair. It's like God is cradling Daniel's butt with His hands. I bet it even glows if you look at it from below. Despite the fine-feeling ass, Daniel is worried about the first fashion week that he'll be doing on his own. Though Wili was a malicious psycho bitch, she always came up with cool themes that the press ate up. Betty suggests Cirque de Soleil or '80s, and Daniel mocks her, as he should. She leaves to give Justin's class a tour of Mode. Daniel, who doesn't remember a thing about it, is impressed that he's mastered the art of looking like he listens when Betty talks.

Meanwhile, Wili scours her fridge furiously, looking for something that appears to have gone missing. Turns out she's only feening for the Rocky Road. Her parents never let her have ice cream as a child. Wili has been taking a LOT of hormone shots, apparently. Marc prepares to give her another one, reminding her that Slater magazine is dead, and this is the only chance that she'll get a piece of the Meade empire. She admits that she's been hormotional. Soon, says Marc, the doctor will extract her eggs, fertilize them with ye olde sperm, pop them back into her girlie place, and voila. Marc says what he has never said to a woman before, "Turn around and bend over," and then sticks her in the ass. Wili screams at him, then starts crying and hugs him, saying that they'll be such good parents. Maybe they'll even get a Swarovski collar for the little tyke.

Justin, rocking a new hairstyle, accompanies his class on their Mode tour and brags about his internship. He has to give Betty the "stop embarrassing me look," and she winds things up. Her former teacher tells her how great it is to have one of her students succeed as a working writer, living in the big city. Betty and Justin spill that she's actually an assistant and still lives at home, and the teacher tries to compliment Betty on her style but it rubs up against the Teacher Truth Code. Betty offers to take questions from the kids, as long as they're not about vacuous celebrities. This rules out all but one. A girl named Hillary notes that Mode did an article on the fur industry. She wants to know if there was any backlash since the magazine advertises furs. Betty loves the question and high-fives Hillary, but as soon as the little attitude-laden ringleader of the group shoots her a disgusted look, Hillary says her question doesn't matter and walks away. Justin tells Betty that Lindsay, the mean girl ringleader, can make life hell for someone if she doesn't like what they say. It's like Lord of the Flies in ballet flats, he says. Betty won't give up, and tells the group that Mode is about journalism and telling stories, not about what Gisele is eating for lunch. Lindsay, with shock that Gisele eats lunch, wants to know the details. Betty can't give them to her, but from behind the reception desk Amanda says, "Cucumber wrapped sushi, seven jelly beans, sparkling water at room temp." The girls realize that a) they need to go on a diet; b) they want to be Amanda. Oh, seventh grade. I miss you not at all.

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Ugly Betty

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