Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!

...where they immediately hear "Big Pimpin'," and see a decked-out Ron and Heath engaging in heavily imbecilic dancing. Ron's got a black beret and a black-and-red swishy warmup suit on, while Heath has purchased a killer brown leather suit -- with a decidedly less excellent mustard-colored shirt underneath -- and glasses and a hat. Both suck on cigars; both look like they're trying to do Tae-Bo at a hip-hop club. The visuals are really funny, but what kind of ruins it for me is the fact that neither Steve nor Shaggy reacts like this is anything unusual. Steve waves his A paper and brags about it, but Ron trumps his news: "These things cost fifty bucks, and they make me wanna puke, but I don't care because I'm rich!" Shaggy looks green when Heath burns what looks like a twenty with his cigar cherry. That's a severe wad violation. Ron shows off the new monitor he bought, a flat screen. "Wanna know what's back there? Nothing, 'cause it's so damn thin!" he rejoices to Steve. "Now get me a soda." Steve is about to enumerate the reasons that won't happen, until Ron tosses a bill his way, at which point Steve becomes his bitch.

Lizzie scampers in, followed by Rachel, and begs them to turn down the tunes because they're both writing papers. Steve figures this is a good time to play hero, and offers them the chance to experience Dave's academic magic. Shaggy sighs and looks away, but both girls seem intrigued.

Steve pounds on Dave's door, just as Lizzie expresses strong reservations about the plan. "It's like cheating," she whimpers. "It's not like cheating," Rachel corrects. "It is cheating. This is cheating." Dave opens the door a crack and says, "Look who's here! The Karper!" Steve introduces Rachel and Lizzie, whose name sparks recognition for Dave. "Is she the one that..." he begins, and Steve half-nods. "God, I miss college!" Dave exclaims. Okay, we're supposed to think Steve bonded with this clearly insane person? I don't think so. Rachel wrestles a hesitant Lizzie inside.

As Steve sits, Dave congratulates him on the A they got, especially because Horowitz is such a tough grader. "But I knew that I was on such a roll...this blows away my old Bovary. Who wants a blintz?...Blintzes all around? Yeah? No? Yeah?" Dave froths. Lizzie looks afraid of what this man thinks "blintz" might mean. Dave distractedly heads for the kitchen, but invites them to check out a model he's built for an architecture grad student. "Very talented guy," Dave says, his hand rubbing his forehead and cheeks alternately. "Very talented." Steve feigns being impressed and tries to act like everything's way cool and regular, but Lizzie is twitching and Rachel's face is set in disbelief. "My parents pay a lot of money for me to go to college and learn!" Lizzie whispers. Rachel groans and says, "Would you just stop that? You know we're going to forget everything we learned two weeks after graduation anyway." Damn right! I can't even remember every class I took. They were mostly just regular appointments to busy me between football games and shifts at the newspaper. Dave ambles out with a plate of goat-cheese-coated blintzes. Wow, there's just not much cause to say stuff like that anymore. Steve eats one. Hmm, not much cause to say that, either. Dave promises, to their surprise, that he can finish all three papers by Friday morning, no matter the topic. Steve's is "Morality in The Brothers Karamazov." Dave jerks himself upright. "I can deal with that, I think I got that, I think...I got it, Ilyusha versus Ivan, law of man versus law of God, cake!" Dave blathers, rubbing his face again. "Anything that you can, bring to me, because I will slap it down!" The girls are duly impressed with this mushy madman. "How did you get so smart?" they ask. He sits. "I read, I read, uh, eight or nine books a day," he says nonchalantly. Pause. "I also do a lot of speed. All the time," he adds. Steve cocks his head and tries to look interested, but Rachel and Lizzie clearly want nothing more than to flee and live a blissfully blintz-free life.

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