Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!

Heath boogies into Ron's room for an update on his amassing fortune. Instead, he sees Ron slumped dejectedly in front of the computer, rubbing his eyes and looking rich in shame. "Steven's dead," he sobs. Heath is stunned. "What...Steven died?" sputters Heath. Ron sniffles and looks up. "Well, no, but we lost all of our money," he confesses, then dissolves into an exaggerated crying jag. Oooh, I'm docking this episode some points for using a tired old construct right there. Heath is irate, yelling that Ron promised him fast cash. How stupid do you have to be to believe that promise? Stock-market volatility is hardly uncommon knowledge. Ron weeps that the stock just keeps falling, and reveals that some religious zealots are protesting the company because they think the "dish guts" concept violates natural law. "God wants people to have stomachs!" Ron insists wildly. "Why can't they see that?"

Steven, strolling across the quad with his ladies, invites Lizzie and Rachel to a movie that night at the campus center. "They're showing The Wizard of Oz set to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon," he says. "It's gonna be awesome!" Rachel regretfully says she can't go because she has to write a paper. A beat passes, and they all snort loudly and double over with mirth. A perfect take. We then get a Frisbee montage, full of cheesy shots of them celebrating their freedom from homework. They tumble, they catch, they mug for the camera. This might be a Target commercial, actually.

Hal awaits Steve in the Frosh Pit. "Dad!" Steve exclaims, startled. "I brought you some underwear I got on sale! Thirty-two, right?" booms Hal. "And then I saw this!" Eagerly, he leaps up from the couch and gestures to Steve's A paper, which is hanging in the kitchenette that no dorm suite should have, because I never had one and it's not fair. Steve, guilty, tries to brush it aside, but Hal will have none of it. "You've been working so hard! I've been working so hard waiting on tables to pay the crazy tuition, and it's finally paying off!" Hal rejoices. Wait, he's waiting tables? Why is he in a suit? Is he divorced yet? Did a whole season pass?

In class, Steve whispers to Shaggy that this is definitely his last flirtation with cheating. "Enough is enough," he says sagely. "I can do it. It's so easy." Turning to the cute blonde to his left, Steve dudes, "Wouldn't it be nice if next time he gave us a paper that was actually challenging?" Smirking, she glances at the paper he's just received and notes, "I guess he did." Pissed, Steve sees a big red D printed on it. D for Deflated. D for Dumb-ass. D for Dave Is On Speed. Shaggy flashes his B- and grins, "I did this all by myself!" Go Shaggy!

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