Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!

Elizabethan-era harpsichord riffs play as Heath parks himself on the quad, dressed as Shakespeare and busking for donations. "This brave o'erhanging firmament, why, it's brought nothing to me but vile and pestilent congregation of vapor," he orates. Heath isn't so much a natural actor as he is a natural Brit, but that does help with Shakespeare, I suppose. Because I'm a brat, I looked up this quote from Hamlet to check its accuracy, and sadly, Heath needeth to tweaketh his memorization skills. But he's got the look down pat, sporting a red hat with a feather, and a shirt that looks remarkably like some curtains my grandmother owned in the '70s. A girl swoons, "That was exquisite. I almost cried." Heath delicately invites her to make a donation. "I don't have any money," she smiles wetly. "But can't you do it again?" Through gritted teeth, Heath recites, "I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth."

Steve thumps on Dave's front door, screaming desperately for delivery of their new papers. He can't fathom why Dave isn't answering, being somewhat of an agoraphobe. Suddenly, a silhouette darts past the window and Steve jumps. "He's in there. We know you're in there!" yells Steve. The lights abruptly go out, a superb tactical maneuver by the sharp-as-butter Dave. Steve decides to climb through a conveniently open window, and over Lizzie's protests, Rachel follows. Inside, Dave halts in the hallway, then darts into a bedroom. Lizzie frets that breaking and entering is somehow illegal, but Rachel hisses that she needs her damn paper and that's that. Steve tenses, spotting motion. "Maybe it was a cat," offers Lizzie. "Meow," Dave calls from the hallway. Lizzie starts clucking for the cat until Steve groans, "That was him." Okay, we're definitely dipping into territory that strays somewhat from my own college memories.

Dave suddenly bolts into the kitchen and starts lobbing spatulas at the group. "Stay away, killer samurai!" he shrieks. Steve's all, "What the hell is this?" One of the girls flicks on the lights, and Dave cowers in the kitchen. "I'd recognize you anywhere, Yasu! You cannot hide behind your crimson shield! Crimson shield! Level twenty-four! Protect your flank," Dave yells, practicing ninja moves in a frenzy. "Combo, combo, spin, combo!" Steve watches this with frightened interest, as though he's mining the incident for use in a killer Psych paper. Dave continues his rabid rant. "Oh, you've brought your concubines with you!" he screams, begging for Steve-as-Yasu to murder him swiftly with an axe and "let the blood run through my kitchen!" Steve stares. Rachel stares. Lizzie stares. Dave pants. "Ah, I think I took too much speed," he admits. "Okay? There. You have it. Wooo!" He's got great comic timing, but part of me wishes the cameo had remained as admirably restrained as it was. Still, considering his recent penchant for wearing thong undies on camera, I consider us blessed.

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