Next, the fighters bicker like children about who should start. It goes a lot like this: "You start." "No, you start." "I think you should start." "I think you should start." "Nuh-UH!" "Yuh-HUH!" "Stop pulling my hair!" "Stop pulling my hair!" "Stop repeating everything I say!" "Stop repeating everything I say!" "MOM!!!"
Finally, Eric makes the first move. "Why don't you hit me, little boy?" he snarls. "You touched my girlfriend. Why don't you touch me? Want to wait until you go through puberty first?" Steven hauls off and slams Eric in the cheek. Eric staggers backward and into a chair, clutching at his face in agony. Kyle recoils. Ron and Shaggy cheer, and Heath looks impressed and a tad relieved. I don't think he expected Steven to make a fist successfully, let alone make contact. "I didn't want this," Steven insists. "Now it's over." But Eric won't go down. He springs to his feet and pounds Steven in the chest; Steven spins and falls against a coffee table, chipping one of his front teeth and bloodying his mouth. Lizzie gawks at the injury. "Am I bleeding?" Steven asks, clueless. Shaggy recovers the tooth chip and hands it to his pal. "Just put that on some ice," he suggests gently. Eric is stunned. "Oh my God, let me see it!" he chokes, covering his mouth in abject horror. "Are you okay? Oh my God, that's horrible! That looks disgusting!" He rips the disk off his neck and throws it at Steven, then flees for Lizzie's room, wailing. Eric is a sensitive bruiser. He can't hit, because he feels. Lizzie exits to console her weeping copy boy, hoping to turn this Fight Club plot into a pornographic climax. "Steve, you just kicked your first ass," Heath glows, proud. Steve grins, forgetting the diagonal chip that's missing from his right front tooth. Rachel feels guilty, so Larice tells a stupid story about her fake front teeth. She should be quiet. The actress is funny, but her part in this episode was not.
Lizzie sits down next to Eric and apologizes for causing so much havoc. She inches her hand up his thigh, then uses her tongue to check whether any of Eric's teeth, or tonsils, got chipped in the brouhaha. He enjoys it, until he opens his eyes and catches sight of the growing collection of UNEC memorabilia and photographs decorating the wall over Lizzie's desk. Eric pulls away. "This isn't right anymore...I can tell, baby, it's not right," he says softly. She's surprised. "You're my little L-bug, right?" Eric quavers. "Well, you can't hold a bug in your hand, or it's going to bite you, and it flies away." He pairs this line with some great illustrative gestures. He should really consider ditching Kopy Town for a career in interpretive dance. Lizzie can't believe the two of them are actually splitting up. She sounds upset to be losing her long-time boyfriend, but looks like a girl who just found out she missed a sale at Nordstrom. Eric pulls her close, rubbing her hair and clutching her head to his chest. Sobbing, he makes her promise him one thing. "Promise me that you will always remember not to drink and drive, because it's not safe, you know?" he blubbers firmly. "That makes me so nervous!" Perfection.