Rachel answers a call from a devastated-sounding Eric, who weeps that he heard what happened between Lizzie and Heath. Back in the copy room, where Rachel is unknowingly on the speakerphone, Eric cracks up silently, enjoying the deception. Kyle and Greg sit calmly, expectantly. Meanwhile, I love that Eric used Heath for his little lie, like he's the only member of the Frosh Pit Lizzie would even touch. "I just feel so broken up about it!" Eric fake-sobs. Rachel, perched on her bed and tying a shoe, can't quite digest all this. "Lizzie hooked up with [Heath]?" she squeals. "Nobody tells me anything!" Cut to Eric throwing up his arms, signaling a silent touchdown, a massive moral victory. "Was that before or after Steven?" Rachel asks. Eric's arms sag down to his sides. The ref has reversed the call, and the coach yanked him from the game so the skinny third-string quarterback could ram it into the end zone, just this once. Kyle, to his credit, has the grace to look startled. Eric and Rachel freak simultaneously, the former losing his breath and the latter's eyes bugging out to Looney Tunes proportions. She hangs up and begins to hyperventilate, while Eric slowly disconnects the call, unable to move, his pal Greg still staring at the ground because he knew this wasn't going to end well. On the wall behind Eric's irate body hangs a copy of the Lizzie-and-Eric prom photo. "Lock up the store," Eric growls. It's go time now. Eric's rage is frothing like a dropped can of soda, and he's about ready to pull the pop-top.
Cut to the blue Honda hatchback, the Chariot of Fire, in which Eric blasts the rap song "Danger" and sings along with his Goon Squad. "DANGER!" they all shout, headbanging vigorously. "Danger, Steven Karp!" Eric spits. It devolves into throaty growls of "Bring it on!" and "AAAH," the kind of screaming only wimps deem manly. It's hilarious. Eric's about as dangerous as a carpet, as threatening as a paper towel wrapped in bubble paper.
Rachel scampers into Lizzie's room. Wait, I thought they were roommates! Maybe Rachel got the call in their room, then fled to find Lizzie, then returned and realized Lizzie had come back to the room...or, I desperately need to figure out where the hell these people live and sleep. I'm more confused than a blind woman at a maze convention. Before Rachel can get out the words, though, the phone rings, and Lizzie answers it happily. It's Eric. "Hey, baby!" she delights. "Got something you need to tell me, Elizabeth?" he drones. "Yeah," she frowns. "I've been wanting to tell you...how much I love you!" Man, she's the schmoopiest person on the planet. "As much as you love having sex with Steven?" Eric's depressed monotone drawls. "Why you tryin' to play me?" Lizzie freezes. "Where are you?" she whispers. Eric intones, "Let's just say Daddy got a cell phone." We see the elevator doors close over Eric's face as he admits he's in the building. Kyle's face is twisted into a mask of pure, unadulterated mild irritation. "I want to talk to Steven," Eric growls, but the elevator tampers with the signal and warps his voice so that he sounds like a dying record. Lizzie hangs up, frightened, and runs across the hall.