A laminator churns out a poster for Master Joel's martial arts school. Master Joel is extremely mundane-looking, and looks like he'd be more at home teaching a class in CD cleaning than martial arts. ["I thought it might be Joel Hodgson, late of MST3K, but he had a lot of facial hair, so I couldn't tell for sure." -- Wing Chun] The camera pans out to reveal chubby, balding Kyle Gass, half of the genius band Tenacious D -- here, he's playing a crony and co-worker of Eric. "That sucks that she cheated on you again," Eric calls out to another friend, Greg, played by David Krumholtz (memorably, the kid who got a dick drawn on his cheek in 10 Things I Hate About You). "It's baloney. I'm sorry," Eric adds emphatically. I wonder how "baloney" came to be synonymous with "crap." ["Maybe because the first syllable sounds a bit like 'bullshit'? You know, the way some people say 'sugar' when they really mean 'shit'?" -- Wing Chun] I feel bad for that poor maligned-by-association lunch meat. Eric, by the way, cut his hair, ending up with a short mop of unkempt curls. I like it, but it just doesn't say "Eric" to me. Eric blasts Greg's willingness to tolerate infidelity, and wonders why he doesn't just dump the slit. "The only reason I haven't dumped her yet is...I kind of can't believe she goes out with me in the first place," Greg admits. Kyle chips in that "she" is totally hot. They're in agreement about her off-the-charts hotness. "I've never been with anyone that hot," Greg confesses. Eric shakes his head and proclaims that he'd simply die if Lizzie cheated on him. Unless it was with Adam Sandler, which of course didn't bother him one bit, and it was allegedly last week. Thank God they're pretending that episode never happened -- like the Dallas season that turned out to be Bobby's bad dream, or for me, like the entire eight-year run of Step by Step. Wow, Patrick Duffy has been involved in some real crap over the years. Anyway, Kyle and Greg snap their heads up and exchange nervous glances, because Eric's been playing Magellan up his own anal canal again. "Then you're already dead," Greg grunts. Eric drops his jaw and emits a high-pitched laugh, a sound right out of Amadeus. "You'd better check yourself," he giggles. But his cronies figure it's completely obvious that Lizzie has cheated on him already. Their logic? Because she's hot, and thus, there's an all-access pass to her pants floating around the UNEC campus. "She is really hot," opines Greg. "I would totally do her, except that I've got a girlfriend, so..." Ha! I love that line. But it would've been much sweeter if he still had the dick on his face. Penis humor never gets old. "You guys are jokesters today!" Eric gapes, loving all the jollity. He decides he can easily prove them wrong.
Rachel answers a call from a devastated-sounding Eric, who weeps that he heard what happened between Lizzie and Heath. Back in the copy room, where Rachel is unknowingly on the speakerphone, Eric cracks up silently, enjoying the deception. Kyle and Greg sit calmly, expectantly. Meanwhile, I love that Eric used Heath for his little lie, like he's the only member of the Frosh Pit Lizzie would even touch. "I just feel so broken up about it!" Eric fake-sobs. Rachel, perched on her bed and tying a shoe, can't quite digest all this. "Lizzie hooked up with [Heath]?" she squeals. "Nobody tells me anything!" Cut to Eric throwing up his arms, signaling a silent touchdown, a massive moral victory. "Was that before or after Steven?" Rachel asks. Eric's arms sag down to his sides. The ref has reversed the call, and the coach yanked him from the game so the skinny third-string quarterback could ram it into the end zone, just this once. Kyle, to his credit, has the grace to look startled. Eric and Rachel freak simultaneously, the former losing his breath and the latter's eyes bugging out to Looney Tunes proportions. She hangs up and begins to hyperventilate, while Eric slowly disconnects the call, unable to move, his pal Greg still staring at the ground because he knew this wasn't going to end well. On the wall behind Eric's irate body hangs a copy of the Lizzie-and-Eric prom photo. "Lock up the store," Eric growls. It's go time now. Eric's rage is frothing like a dropped can of soda, and he's about ready to pull the pop-top.