Eric Visits Again

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Eric Visits Again

The Mortal Kombat theme is the background tune of choice for the chase scene, and it's perfect -- a techno blitz of desperation and intense pressure and abject silliness. There's a drum club congregating outside the dormitory; as Steven, still half-nude, and seething Eric sprint through its circle, not one person there so much as glances at the action, nor tries to use one of Steven's legs to spear an hors d'oeuvre. The frantic race takes Eric and Steven across campus to a garbage can, against which two scooters rest. Marty grabs one and hops aboard; two seconds later, Biff arrives to snatch the second. "I'm gonna get you, scooter boy!" Biff screams, which only makes McFly move faster. "Bad little boys have to pay the piper!" More chasing. "I only get faster!" spits Biff, so Marty ditches the scooter and drops it to make Biff trip. But nothing short of manure can stop a man spurned, so Biff screeches his scooter to a halt, leaps over the obstacle and screams, "Nice try, you cuckolding jerk!" Still clinging to his scooter, Eric keeps running after his enemy. "I'm sorry!" Steven yells desperately, right before he spots a laundry cart zipping across campus. Inspired, he speeds up, reaching for it. "Grrrrrr," Eric says, according to the captioners. Steven leaps onto the cart and rides the dirty laundry to safety. So, Steven can reach this thing on foot, but Eric can't? Right. Sure. A disembodied torso could catch one of those. "You're dead, Steven!" Eric screams. "And I'm your executioner!" Then, sweetly, he hops back onto the scooter and toddles back toward Lizzie's cheatin' womb.

Steve takes refuge in a storage area somewhere, possibly in the bowels of his dormitory. He calls Heath from an emergency phone down there; Heath figures Steven can either fight Eric or transfer, and since he doesn't want "some weird foreigner" moving into his room, Heath thinks that Steven should put up his dukes. That's about as close to a declaration of brotherly love as Heath's going to give our little Karpal Tunnel. Steven asks Heath to retrieve his disk and deliver it to him, and while he's at it, he should grab Steven's jean-shorts. It's a good idea, because if a horny chicken catches sight of him, we might see some very uncomfortable attempts at inter-species nookie.

Eric, meanwhile, yells at Lizzie for hurting him. "You're the last person I thought would hurt me like this!" he cries. "Did he make you do it?" Lizzie insists this was all her fault, which is correct. "I hope you wore a condom," Eric sniffles. "Well, he wore a condom," she corrects him, agitated. "Oh, that's...oh, you're so smart, huh? You're so damn smart, huh, college girl?! Well, you're so smart that you're dumped!" When I first heard that line, I thought it was, "You're so smart that you're dumb," which I liked slightly better, if only because it fit the juvenile mood and seemed typical of the quasi-profound lunacy of my beloved Eric. Rachel, eavesdropping outside in a common room, sitting under the mustard wall, flinches at this as Eric and Lizzie bicker about breaking up. Eric tearfully insists that he never has to listen to Lizzie again. Rachel's expression more closely resembles relief than guilt. Sitting at a study table, Larice looks intrigued. Larice apparently shares a living space with Lizzie and Rachel all of a sudden. She's the Sexile who lusted after Heath, and swooned at his Shakespeare recitation. Back inside the boudoir, Eric leans exhaustedly against Lizzie's desk. He's placid -- until he spies the neon disk. "Is this his disk? You have his disk? You two share disks?" he spits. But it's a small, floppy disk, which should make Eric feel better. "Eric," Lizzie whispers, trying to reason with him. He can't handle this, though, and leaves. "I'm done with you," he chokes, brokenly. "I don't want to be around you anymore...You're not my girlfriend. You're my girl enemy." Eric is absolutely gutted, and I confess he's making me want to reach out and squeeze him. I'm totally rooting for him to sleep with Rachel.

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