Undeclared
Eric's POV

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Eric's POV

This is it. The last regular-season episode of Undeclared. Get out your hankies. And then berate yourself for owning and using a hankie, because that's rather unhygienic.

Lizzie perches on her desk chair as Rachel stands behind her, looking over her shoulder at the computer screen. Lizzie opens an email invitation to Eric's birthday party, which involves his head bobbing on top of a cartoon body. "Do you want to PARTY?" his voice shouts. "Yes/no, Yes/no, Yes/no..." Lizzie clicks on neither option, but admits to Rachel that she probably should go.

Cut to Lizzie leaving Eric a phone message to the effect that she'd be thrilled to attend his twenty-seventh birthday party. Which would mean he was twenty-three when he started dating Lizzie, who was fifteen. And who, at nineteen, still looks fifteen. Which just proves that age-old adage that you can't spell "creepy" without three of the letters that are in "Eric." Lizzie's message is all saccharine. "Hey, Mr. Eric," she says sweetly. She adds that she misses hearing Eric's voice -- which is odd, considering we've established that he calls her between five and fifty times daily -- and passes on greetings to the Goon Squad before hanging up.

Kopy Town. Eugene (né Kyle, after his portrayer, Kyle Gass of Tenacious D) and Greg (David Krumholtz, of a lot of things) are working with Eric. Greg complains that his girlfriend is probably cheating on him again with some guy named Abujay. "She says he's taking advantage of her, but it's happened, like, four times," he frets. Eugene shouts that chicks aren't worth the trouble, which is why he doesn't date. "Is that why?" snorts Eric. "I don't need to date," Eugene brags. "I got TiVo." No kidding. There's few things TiVo can't do. Eventually it will actually be able to have sex. In the meantime, Eugene boasts he can, with TiVo's help, cook the hot dog all night long with Lucy Liu, the horrific and deeply unnecessary Lisa Ling, and "that chick from Crouching Tiger," who Greg incorrectly identifies as (male) director Ang Lee. "Yeah!" Eugene pants. "She's so hot! TiVo be my pimp, yo!" TiVo: Fulfilling the hot masturbatory fantasies of balding Kopy Town employees everywhere. It's the ultimate slogan. Eric points out that Greg's lucky enough to have a real woman, except that she's cheating on him constantly. "Stand up for yourself, dog!" Eric insists. Greg confesses he's scared to, in case Janice dumps him like Lizzie did Eric. Greg then darts Eric a sidelong glance, as if he knows he's pulled a trigger and, any minute now, a bullet of Eric's psychoses will smack him in the eye. "Lizzie cheated on me once and I dumped her broke ass!" Eric swears indignantly, certain he can prove he has the upper hand by playing Lizzie's totally benign voicemail message. "That's from a group eVite, bitch!" Eric yells triumphantly. "Someone wants a little piece of Eric back." He starts to dance and rap. "Unhhh, 'cause it's hard to stay away," he crows. "Unhhh...So hard to stay away. Say what? Say what?" And it's true, if you're an octogenarian -- Eric is extolling his irresistibility while wearing an olive grandfather cardigan and sporting some nappy stubble. He's a ghetto Mr. Rogers.

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Undeclared

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