Undeclared
Eric's POV

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Eric's POV

Eric gazes sadly at a home video of himself and Lizzie in her bedroom. She's lying on her bed studying psychology, "because [Eric is] insane." They tease and flirt on-camera while Eric watches adoringly from his brown chair. Lizzie has grabbed the camera, and there's Eric, wearing a black bra and pair of panties over his eye, growling, "I'm Redbeard the Pirate, and I've come for your booty!" That was a disturbing turn of events. Eric and Lizzie kiss and cuddle, while she promises to love him forever and he pretends to turn off the camera. We see Eric from an ever-closer vantage point that makes me pity him, as his eyes are totally forlorn, but has the unfortunate side effect of making Jason Segel look very old.

Ben Stiller is on his basement weight bench drinking a Red Bull. He's wearing poofy and over-patterned 1980s pants with white hi-tops and a t-shirt-turned-tank-top that reads, "Will Work For Sex." Yeah, and he's gonna have to. "Want to talk about your relationship?" Ben nods sagely. "You know what a relationship is? Real Exciting Love Affair Turns Into Ongoing Nightmare; Sobriety Hangs In Peril." He pauses. "Or something like that. I have it tattooed on my back. Want to read it?" Eric does not. "Want to check the arm?" Ben offers, pointing to a passage etched onto his shoulder. "Maybe it's time to check it." Eric shakes his head again. "Sometimes I check it," Ben admits. "And it's on my arm." Eric stops the nonsense and cops to missing Lizzie deeply. Is that news? Hadn't we established that fifteen minutes ago? Or did it just feel that way? Ben hangs his head and says softly that Lizzie reminds him of a great girl from his past. "Her name is...your mother," Ben nods huskily. I love that line. Ben preaches the virtues of a good woman's love, claiming nothing is better, except Ecstasy. "Want to do some Ecstasy?" he asks, hopefully. Eric's all, "We don't have time. Your cameo is almost over." Ben pretends he didn't either, and was just testing Eric, and probably has no idea that his two little soul patches are lopsided. Ben wants to do more reps, and lies down on the bench.

Perry, acting all Dances With Follicles and shit, firmly directs the restoration of Lizzie's hair as if he's Jon Favreau or something. Steven aims for subtletly, wondering how long this will take, but he misses badly and wins Lizzie's wrath. "Would you stop snapping at me?" Steven bristles. "I'm not the one who messed up your hair. I'm supporting you." Lizzie sneers, "Oh, by trying to get out of here to watch a bunch of drunk hos show their boobs for no reason?" Steven is aghast. "There's a reason -- they do it for beads!" he yells. Another great line. Lizzie glares at Steven and calls him a jerk, snottily swearing that Eric wouldn't treat her so disrespectfully. Steven suggests that she go call Eric and get her yell on, leaving him alone. He storms out.

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Undeclared

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