Just as Ron makes headway with Lizzie, Steven opens his Bible and begins to read. The sweet light of Heaven prepares to rain glory and wisdom upon him. We fade to black wondering why Coldplay was the background band of choice for this transformation.
The good thing about this episode not airing is that we were spared commercials for the offensive programming FOX didn't cancel.
Steven's metamorphosis is complete: he is now wearing a sweater vest. Apparently, that's the sign of true, pure piety. He's reading the Bible, until he looks up at Heath with a serene smile on his face. "Have you ever read The Bible?" he asks. "It's awesome." Heath is cocooned in his bed, wrapped in a scratchy brown blanket, his hair mussed and greasy. "Very moral," continues Steven. "Kind of like eight Star Wars episodes in a row." Um. Clearly he hasn't yet seen the train wreck that is Natalie Portman in the two new episodes. Even the cast of 7th Heaven can feign interest in the scripts better than she did. Heath argues that The Bible is a crock of shit: "[It's] just a bunch of stories made up by rich people to stop poor people hitting them on the head with a stick and taking their money." Steven finds that horrible. "I agree. It's a catastrophe," Heath wails. "How can you say that?" Steven asks calmly. "Who do you think created everything? Is it a coincidence that music sounds pretty, that water turns into rain?" He's positively glowing with the radiant light of the sweet baby Jesus. "That our butts are down here, and not on top of our head?" Steven continues. "God's work is everywhere." Heath wants him to shut up. "God doesn't exist, okay?" he shouts. "Nothing matters. You may as well just do whatever you want, whenever you want." Steven would prefer to love his neighbor. Literally, yes, but here he's actually just quoting from scripture. Heath nods. "You are right, you are right," Heath says. Steven is delighted. "And I will start by nailing that little sophomore hottie at the party tonight," Heath concludes. Steven shoots him a hilariously condescending expression, lit by his new profundity. "Now, I don't think that's what it means, do you?" he asks, gently scolding without losing his weird smile. "Tomato, to-mah-to," Heath sneers.