God Visits

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 1 USERS: A+
God Visits

So here it is: "God Visits," the unaired episode of Undeclared -- the one that FOX executives didn't want you to see. Apparently, they're scared God will get pissed off and punish them by forcing them to watch their own network for eternity. So what FOX has taught me is, it's wrong to write a good-natured send-up of college kids exploring new beliefs, but it's perfectly okay to imply that God walks the Earth as Burt Reynolds, flaunting his shitty hair plugs while singing cha-cha music and playing Dominoes. Got it.

"God Visits" was filmed as the season's tenth episode, pre-dating the appearance of Larice and the reunion of Steven and Lizzie. My friend Continuity would comment on this, but he's still in the hospital recovering from the brutal, ritualistic nut-crackings administered by FOX this season. He's weak. In lieu of flowers, though, send chocolates. To me.

The episode opens on the UNEC quad. Ron and Steven walk side by side, the latter staring despondently off into space while Ron gobbles up the view of a statuesque girl's skinny ass. "I wish I could take my tuition and, like, shove it down that girl's underwear in one-dollar bills," Ron drools. Steven isn't paying attention. "Whatever," he sighs absently. Ron is frustrated that Steven can't snap out of his sad, doomed obsession with Lizzie. "I'm sick of hearing [about] it," Ron whines. "It's annoying." What a good pal he is. Steven shrugs mournfully. "Life sucks if I can't have her," he says. "Simple as that." Ron stops him. "No, no. It's as simple as that behind," he argues, pointing at the buffet of tight buns walking ahead of them. The model with the ass and the rack has paused to hug another equally well-endowed girl, and as their chests bump, Ron loses his breath. And possibly some bodily fluids. "As long as that's around, life can never be that bad," Ron announces. He then drags Steven's arm so they can walk the nymph to class -- by which he means, trot along behind her in a silent endorsement of skin-tight pants.

Rachel and Lizzie, followed by Heath and Shaggy, bounce into their suite and encounter a solemn girl with glasses and black braids. She's carrying a stack of textbooks out of the suite's right-side bedroom. "Hey, Sheila, what's going on?" Rachel asks politely. Sheila explains that she's tired of being a figment of the show's imagination, so she's moving out of the suite. Rachel and Lizzie make all the we're-so-sorry noises you'd expect from two girls who are faking it better than Meg Ryan in a diner. "That's so sad," Lizzie says. "I've never even seen her," Shaggy whispers to Heath, who cocks an eyebrow lasciviously. "I have," he grins. Shaggy's expression says, "Don't you have herpes yet?"

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