Hal And Hillary

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Heathen: B | Grade It Now!
Hal And Hillary

Rachel saunters up to Ron and sputters that it'll never last. "She's got the boobs of a six-year-old, and she's, like, dumb," she bitches. Then Dumb Rachel starts whistling because the water's boiling. Heath pipes up absently that it's wrong to assume a dumb girl wouldn't be Shaggy's perfect mate. "Yeah, and I don't even think she's dumb, necessarily," adds Ron. "She just seems dumb because she's foreign. Like [Heath]." Heath glares at his laughing roommate. "I'm gonna hurt you when you least expect it," he says calmly.

Lucien strolls innocently toward the elevator, dreaming about Hillary and gumdrops and fluffy bunnies and balloons filled with candy. But those bubbles burst when he heads laughing in the elevator, and peeks inside to see Hillary and Hal all over each other. They're clasping hands. "Ooh, my hand is so much smaller than your hand," she cackles. "Aaah, don't hurt me, giant!" The doors slide closed as they move in for some creative tonguing. "H…Hillary?" gasps Lucien, wounded, pierced through the heart by the act of her tongue-sword stabbing Hal's…oh, no, that sentence is starting to make me queasy.

Lizzie kneels on Steven's bed, massaging his shoulders. Heath is reading a magazine. They're listening to some techno music. Lucien storms in and orders Steven to turn down the stereo, and Steven laughs it off. "Bring it down, man," Lucien says angrily. Heath lazily points out that it's already low-volume. "I'm not talking to you!" scolds Lucien. "People didn't enroll at UNEC to listen to your 'cool' music." He tries to be all threatening, but it's still silly, sweet, fey Lucien at the heart of it all. He dares Steven to cross him, because he'd eagerly borrow Sars and Wing Chun's shoes and boot him into oblivion. "This face?" he hisses. "Take a good look. It's your worst nightmare." Let's examine: Stringy hair, reedy goatee, pasty skin. I guess he almost looks like Jewel. Lucien threatens Heath, too, then scampers away, leaving Heath and Steven utterly stunned and convinced that Lucien smoked some bad pot through a stale apple bong.

Steven walks Lizzie to the elevator and chats casually with her. "The word 'canada' actually means 'small village' in…I believe Uruguay," he babbles. "I could be wrong." Heh. Next they'll be bantering about that Historical Society commercial that depicts Canadians inventing basketball, or discovering new parts of Canada while mistakenly thinking they'd found China. I loved those commercials. They were like, "Sure, he was a complete blithering idiot, but at least he'd discovered something." Lizzie pushes the button, and the elevator dings to reveal Hal and Hillary almost hugging -- they're holding each other's arms at the elbow joint and gazing at each other. They leap apart. "Hey, there he is!" Hal overcompensates, bellowing loudly and too happily. He pretends he'd forgotten what floor it was, and Hillary was just helping him out. "I'm just going to be by myself now," Hillary says awkwardly, closing the elevator doors. Hal quickly ascertains that Steven's fine and then pretends he has to leave, leaping toward the stairs. Steven's just staring at him like Hal's finally gone insane. As soon as Steven's gone, Hal runs upstairs to Hillary.

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