Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B | Grade It Now!
Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

Steven enters and shares the bitter news that Hal didn't pay his tuition, so he's got to find a job. Ron has the perfect solution. "I saw this in a film," he explains. "You are a student by day, and an illustrious man-prostitute by night." Steven stares at him. Steven also doesn't look completely uninterested, given that his crusade into Lizzie's holy land hasn't been a raging success. Shaggy excitedly offers to hook up Steve with a swanky job at the cafeteria, but Steven winces and refuses to work somewhere so gross. This wounds Shaggy, who grabs the I Can't Believe It's Not A Name-Brand Jiggly Snack Treat, refuses to share it, and retreats to his room. "Thank you," breathes Ron. "I thought he was just fattening me up to eat me."

The first step to campus employment, it seems, is Perry. He works for whatever office helps students get on-campus jobs, but because he's Perry and he just shows up randomly without much back story, he doesn't recognize our hero. "Steven," Steven introduces himself. "Steven," Perry says, thinking hard before launching into his rap: "Steven. Believe in/ The story that I'm weavin'/ Without the skills/ To pay the bills/ Even Steven/ He be thievin'." Steven and I both stare at him, dumbfounded and confused and vaguely wondering if we've crossed into some MTV hell dimension. "All campus work is gone after the first week," Perry says. Steven wonders about off-campus work, so Perry shares that he donates blood twice a week under three different names, and his friend is a medical guinea pig. "I thought I saw an ad for a job at the art-supply store," Steven says uncomfortably. "That job doesn't exist," Perry explains. "For some reason, hot girls like art. I put that in there to get numbers -- my Palm Pilot is bursting." Steven's desperation mounts, so Perry fingers his keyboard and locates the last available job on campus, which also happens to be the very worst.

Cut to Steven in the cafeteria, clad in an apron. A small Indian dude explains the rules to him. He's clad in a toffee-colored jacket and a yellow shirt, the official wardrobe of mediocrity. "Have you had a job before?" he asks Steven, who points out that he did have a paper route once. The Sultan of Swill isn't keen on those credentials -- after all, this is a cafeteria, a no-throwing zone. Sultan explains that Shaggy, his #1 man, recommended Steven highly. To emulate Shaggy is to win his heart. "I like you, but I could hate you," Sultan says, flailing his hands wildly in what I imagine is supposed to be physical comedy. "I can be very vicious." He warns Steven not to talk to "the customer," and welcomes him to dining-hall hell.

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