Finally, we get the famed second episode of Undeclared, the one Fox skipped in order to bring us "Eric Visits" a week sooner. It should have aired after Lizzie and Steven's sex romp in the pilot, in which Lizzie also had a phone fight with her boyfriend Eric, and Steven found out his parents would be divorcing imminently.
As Heath snuggles under his comforter, Steven yips excitedly into the telephone, spreading the word about spreading his seed. This is a boy who dropped his virginity under the bed and isn't terribly concerned about where it's hiding. "Guess what?" Steven asks. "I did it! I did the deed!" Steven makes a face. "Yes, with a girl," he sighs. Which seems funnier now, what with the implied Cher-goat sex in "Hell Week." Steven, the freshly minted stud of his old posse, is clearly fielding all the important questions from his curious pal. "It sure seemed like it took a long time," Steven replies to an unheard query. "Maybe...two and a half minutes, or so? It was wicked." Heath, awake, shakes his head and tries to disappear. Steven winds up for the big finale. "Here it is! I have a girlfriend," he breathes triumphantly. "Lies, lies, lies," groans Heath. Steven quickly ends the call and asks Heath to explain his skepticism. Heath grouchily explains that sex doesn't translate to a relationship, a tenet to which he's likely clung tightly ever since his randy youth, when he discovered how to play doctor with the thermometer in his pants. Steven naïvely contends that this is different -- this is a special bond, the kind only two recent virgins can share. Heath snorts that there's no way Lizzie was a virgin, and that if Steven doesn't take her temperature again very soon, she'll cool off -- and the whole mercurial night will be but a faint memory of Lizzie jabbing herself with a toothpick to test her doneness. Steven's spine curls slightly. His roommate asks if he's at least made a follow-up move. Steven's spine shoots erect with relief and he bubbles that he's completely taken care of it. "Trust me, I made a move in a big way," he grins.
Cut to Lizzie holding up a stuffed bear clutching a big, red, satin heart. "Look, he left this for me," she half-moans, her face a mix of guilt, affection, and embarrassment. And it's pretty unbelievably geeky-sweet, but yet it's also something I could see Eric doing. Except the bear's head would be missing, and in its place would be a laminated color copy of Eric's. And it would be a real heart. Rachel gurgles that Steven is adorable, so she doesn't understand Lizzie's big quandary. "I have a boyfriend!" Lizzie gasps. "Yeah, like a hundred miles away!" scoffs Rachel. She doesn't understand Lizzie's reluctance to cheat, given her and Eric's decision to have an open relationship. Lizzie visibly crumbles. "No, come on, don't become one of those roommates who's always crying over her boyfriend," Rachel warns. "I can't live with that." Easy, brat. This isn't about you. Go take some Gingko. Oh, and by the way, as people have pointed out, the girls do have a suite at this point, so they had one all along. I am either extremely unobservant, or my brain has been addled by all the poisonous rays that are coming out of the television and slowly killing me.