It's Parents' Weekend at UNEC, if the giant banner is to be believed -- and generally, I've found giant banners speak the truth, excepting the one I once saw that said, no joke, "This Is Not Here." Ron and Shaggy are hanging out in their room, the latter tuning his guitar while the former gets ready to tune his crotch tuba with an issue of Maxim. Eliza Dushku is on the cover, doing whatever it is she does that makes guys want to lock themselves in the bathroom with her and a sock. Happily, Ron proclaims the creators of Maxim to be total geniuses. I've met one of the women who worked there, and let me tell you, she wasn't, nor was she especially proud of the job -- in fact, she gave a lengthy discourse about how to choose a pseudonym when you write articles of which you're ashamed. Anyway, Ron believes the good people at Maxim made the magazine specifically with his needs in mind, which is true, given that they target anything with a functional penis. "It's like, 'Hey, Ron, what do you want to read this week? Another article about Alyssa Milano's jugs?'" Ron theorizes. "Perfect." He's also thrilled that he didn't tell his parents about this weekend, because now his attentions can be completely focused on Heath's sister. Shaggy shoots him a skeptical look. Ron babbles about how cool she sounds when they've talked on the phone. "She sounds hot," he adds. "She's probably a female [Heath] -- picture [him] with hair and boobs and no wiener...I could be into that." Shaggy looks nauseous and creeped out. Roll credits before Ron digs himself any deeper into his bog of strange.
Steven is stuck on the phone with Hal, who is complaining that he gets "sloppy Steven seconds" this weekend because his estranged wife snagged the first half of the event. Steven politely points out that he hasn't seen his mother since she left for Europe two months ago, which is why she gets first dibs on seeing him. Apparently, Steven's trying to orchestrate it so that his parents avoid seeing each other. Hal wonders if he should show up and try to talk things out with his ex. "I'm a good listener now, Steve," he explains. "I watch Oprah, I read Oprah Magazine...I've discovered my spirit, Steven." Good for you. Go start a book club. Steven reluctantly offers to organize a "family" dinner at the end of the weekend.
Rachel frantically gathers all the "contraband" she's amassed -- lighters, fake IDs, condoms, caffeine pills, even eyedrops -- and shoves them inside a stuffed frog. Lizzie finds all this slightly pathetic and feels sorry for the frog. "He looks fat," she says, pityingly. It's perfect that her first reaction is to fret about the frog's swelling belly. "You don't know my mom," says an ever-more-frenzied Rachel. "When I was sixteen, she went through my dream box and she found a joint. I was too scared to even try it, and she sent me to rehab for six weeks!" Lizzie sighs that at least Rachel's parents are coming; hers opted to attend a psychiatric conference at EPCOT. Yeah, right. Unless it's "Psychiatry Around the World" or something, they're at Pleasure Island.