Undeclared
Parents' Weekend

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Parents' Weekend

Debra screams that she hated being ignored. Hal insists he never ignored her and was always completely attracted to her. When she doesn't believe him, Hal seizes the moment and kisses her. She pulls away, startled, then succumbs to the sweet whiff of a sure thing and starts to make out with her husband. The Snood poster watches them have sex. Poor thing. Sucks to have no eyelids.

Lizzie stands over one of the dorm toilets, unable to believe that someone else's mother is forcing her to flush so-called contraband. "I was in a twelve-step program for road rage, and I understand," Mary says importantly. "I don't know what that means," Lizzie blinks, confused. "Flush the junk," orders Mary. Lizzie drops fake IDs, aspirin bottles, booze, condoms, and Visine into the bowl, and flushes. I'll bet Visine loved this product placement. "Visine: The biodegradable bottle that goes down when you flush it!" Lizzie fakes a sigh of relief and says, "They're gone." Mary smiles proudly and takes her hand. "Let's go call your parents," she says cheerfully. Terror washes over Lizzie's face.

Steven brightens, noticing that the screams emanating from his room have completely died down. Then, to his total horror, the yelling is replaced by laughter and moaning. "Did you learn that in Amsterdam?" Hal giggles, according to the closed-captioning. They cackle flirtatiously. Ma Shag's eyebrows twitch once she figures out what's happening. "We're doing it!" Hal or Debra yells, but again, only according to the captioners. We just hear random noises, sounding very much like two people unaccustomed to sex are fumbling around trying to get it right. Ron should be here with a notebook. Steven runs his fingers through his hair, as if contemplating ripping it out, the pain of which would pale in comparison with listening to his parents have sex. Incidentally, Hal and Steven have now had exactly the same number of sexual encounters in that bed. Steven tries to make small talk, during which time we learn Shaggy's family has lived in Sioux City for ten years. "Is that Indian?" he asks. "It's Sioux," Ma Shag answers. Hee. Hal and Debra burst out of the room, Hal missing his sweatshirt and boasting terribly tousled hair. "Hey, well, hey!" he coughs, zipping up his trousers. Ma Shag's eyes bug out in stunned and amused embarrassment. Debra blushes.

You know that Verizon commercial featuring Olympian Jimmy Shea and his Olympian father and grandfather? The one where people sing his name to the tune of "Low Rider," which is Jimmy's cell phone ring? Yeah, that commercial totally invaded my and my roommate's heads (along with the Clay Henry Subway commercial), so much so that Jimmy (and Clay) started to feel like...well, family. And then we found out the oldest Shea Olympian just died, so now we're bummed and feeling vaguely pathetic. Um, and in conclusion, RIP, Old Man Shea. Sigh. I tell the worst stories.

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Undeclared

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