Undeclared
Parents' Weekend

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Parents' Weekend

A man in orange clicks into a microphone. "That was a water sprinkler," he explains, then proceeds to imitate a sprinkler at Charlton Heston's house -- a gag that involves interspersing regular clicking noises with machine-gun noises. It's so true, too. This man says what we're all thinking. Senior Shag proclaims this comic "the real deal." Under the table, Amanda rubs Ron's leg flirtatiously. He winces and stares at the tablecloth. Shaggy clears his throat and announces that he needs to go backstage and wish luck to his friends, who are about to perform. "Billy Elliot," he whispers to Ron. Amanda attempts more footsie. Ron jumps and starts blathering about how brilliant the sprinkler comic is. Undeterred, Amanda slides down in her seat to have another go at erotic foot flirting, but ends up kicking Senior Shag instead and knocking off his prosthetic leg. I guess that counts as a foot orgasm. She is totally horrified, but Senior Shag takes it all in stride -- heh -- and gets up to reattach his limb with Ma Shag. But they don't show how he got out of the room. I assume he hopped. Amanda, fully recovered, whispers for Ron to meet her outside in three minutes. He hedges. He's still nervous. His right hand has never complained before, but he's still convinced he's a bad lay. After Amanda offers a flimsy excuse about a bathroom break, Ron leans over to Heath and whispers that they need to talk.

Debra apologizes to Hal for their sexcapade (which she calls surprising and fun), but she is clearly not ready to end her foray into swinging singlehood. Hal's wide smile falters slightly, then morphs into a sadly resigned one. "My life's different now," she apologizes. Hal nods that his is, too, and that he would never ask her to abandon what she's discovered in the world. "I just thought we could have a new life together," he mourns gently. Debra suggests that they cling to the happy years and healthy child they've shared, and be satisfied with that -- for now. Steven slouches over to check on them, and both parents swap rueful looks.

Pleasant applause greets Shaggy's appearance on stage. Go Billy! He dons his guitar, switches on a synthesizer, and starts rocking out to the thin beat. His background music screams his name, and we hear train whistles, a modem-connection noise, and the command, "Get in line!" Shaggy strums his guitar and sings in a monotone, "Factory. Patriarchy. Economy. Autonomy. That's ME!" He's a techno-political nightmare. Actually, this song might've worked in Billy Elliot.

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Undeclared

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