Rush And Pledge (1)

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B | Grade It Now!
Rush And Pledge (1)

The camera pans down the dorm hall toward the elevator, passing a black-and-white poster of a child at a chalkboard. It reads, "There are no stupid questions...only stupid kids," but it looks like the last part was taped over the actual text by a sniggering co-ed high on Busch Light. The elevator arrives, and Steven hops off, with Heath. "I'm auditioning for Lee, the abusive brother," Heath says, excitedly. They don't say the name of the play, but I'm pretty sure it's Sam Shepard's True West. Heath notes that he has to master an American accent for the part. "Do you want to get a hamburger and some French fries? Then we'll jump in my pickup truck, go to the ballpark and get us a hot dog," drawls Heath, quite badly but comically. "Daddy, I don't want yer life!" Oh, wow, even in exaggerated badness, he's trumped The Beek's Southern accent. Steven, though, watches with rapt admiration, complimenting his roommate enthusiastically on his effort. Heath offers to let Steve help him learn lines. "That would be wicked, what do I do?" Steven asks. "You can be 'Mom,'" Heath replies, snickering. Steve's face falls like Niagara.

The Rock and Triple H are fighting The Undertaker and Kane, locked in a hardcore tag-team match to the bloody bitter end. HHH throws 'Taker, then Rock hits him with a chair, I think, but then Triple H falls out of the ring and we see Kane celebrating triumphantly. His team must've pinned The Rock. That's so bogus. The Game could take Undertaker and Kane any day -- single-handed. It's all about The Game. Um, or so I've heard. Anyway, it's just a damn videogame, and Steven and Heath were on the losing end. Either Ron or Shaggy makes a crack about Steve's mom. Heath has a better idea. "You suck!" he yells at Steven, hitting him. "I'm not playing with him anymore." Shaggy taunts them lightly, and Ron just shakes his head in shame and notes how very, very weak Steven is. "Why am I weak? Because I can't outwrestle your stupid cartoon guy?" Steve spits. "Among other things," snickers Ron. Shaggy jumps in with a taunting question about which girl has the hotter ass -- Rachel or Lizzie. He emphasizes Lizzie's name with seventh-grade enthusiasm and looks pointedly at Steve. Doing the gentlemanly thing, Steve politely suggests that they stop talking about Lizzie that way. Heath cracks that he didn't realize Steve was a major shareholder in L.A. -- "Lizzie's Ass," supplies Ron. Steve can't figure out why they aren't ribbing the luckless Shaggy, King of the Unintentionally Celibate. Obscure condom pun unintended. "Yeah, come on, guys, don't make fun of Steve, or one of his breasts will lactate," Shaggy says. That would put Shaggy closer to a mammary than he's been all season. Steve rolls his eyes at the total pointlessness of Shaggy's comment. "Yeah, guys, that's not clever. I mean, seriously, guys, don't make fun of me, because it's just not wicked, and if it carries on, I'm gonna go and do Lizzie's laundry," Heath says in full Americana, imitating Steven in such a way that he sounds half Valley girl, half Jewish grandmother. Steve plumbs the depths of his soul and returns with the following comeback: "Whatever." Quite. Steve half-heartedly invites the gang to the frat party, but the consensus is that frats are undesirable and brainwash poor innocent freshmen. Steve lulls them into submission by singing "Free Beer and Chicks: What's Not To Like?" off the hit album Dingleberry's Greatest Hits, Vol. II.

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