The Perfect Date

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Heathen: B+ | Grade It Now!
The Perfect Date

Ron, looking warily pleased with himself, strolls up to Steven and Shaggy for a daily affirmation. He's wearing a nondescript gray t-shirt and yet he's feeling awfully...well, descript. "I could be crazy, but...am I kind of looking good today?" he asks. His pals give him the once-over before nodding, impressed. "I thought so!" crows Ron. "I put on my clothes, and some days I look okay, and some days I look like a fat old man, but...today, I'm, like, a good-looking guy!" Yeah, he puts the "Ron" in "Ron." Whatever that means. Shaggy hails Heath, who emerges from his room in a bathrobe, and points out Ron's suaveness. Heath acknowledges it enthusiastically, but tempers it with "That's odd!" Ha. Shaggy decides he wants some accolades, but Heath recoils when he spies a giant festering geyser of pus just under Shaggy's left eye. "What happened to your face, man?" Heath gasps. This bruises Shaggy. "It's just a pimple! God!" he pouts. No, that thing is a volcano. I had one on my nose the week prior to my sister's wedding, and there was much stress. Wailing. Gnashing of teeth. And in the end? It vanished the morning of the ceremony. "Can you see out of that thing?" Ron gawks, staring straight into the mouth of Vesuvius and waving his hand up and down past its frothing apex. As Shaggy looks wounded, something Timm Sharp has turned into an art form, Steven is distracted by the ringing phone.

"Neo, the Oracle has spoken -- you are the chosen one," intones an odd-looking guy who Freaks & Geeks fans still probably didn't recognize as Martin Starr (Bill), who has scrapped the glasses and the pocked skin in favor of a stringy dark bob. He vaguely resembles the adult incarnation of the guy I took a bath with when I was four. What? Don't look at me like that -- he was also four. It was all very innocent. We'd just been playing with Vaseline, and...hang on, I suspect I've revealed too much. Backing away...Steven excuses himself from the common room and retreats into his bedroom. "Hey, Theo," Steven grins. "I mean...'Morpheus, what is the matrix?'" Damn, that's a good Keanu Reeves impression. I imagine it's hard for people with actual acting talent to replicate Keanu's unique brand of bland, but Jay Baruchel pulls it off. Steven cheerfully asks Theo how high school is going. "Still sucks," Theo moans. Steven reminds Theo that being a senior should mitigate some of the pain, but Theo grouses that the juniors are hassling him now, and "some of them have gotten so huge." Steven advises him to hang in there, because college rocks and it's so worth the pain of high school. He's putting up a wiser façade than he probably should, although the guy is getting laid with regularity, so I can see why he might feel that he's gained an immense amount of life experience. Hating your high-school experience definitely makes college that much more spectacular. One of the only merits of mine was that I mastered the art of drinking, and showed up at college with a distinct advantage over many of my fellow freshmen. Dear Molson Special Dry: Thank you for teaching me about puking. Love, Heather. Theo finagles an invitation to come visit Steven, suggesting Friday. Steven's clearly ill-at-ease, but agrees. "I'll see you Friday, Neo," intones Theo. Steven starts to reply, then clears his throat and desists when Heath appears in the room. Heath regards him with curious confusion.

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