Undeclared
The Perfect Date

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The Perfect Date

Steven escorts Theo to the ping-pong table, all the better to ream him out and make him feel totally unwelcome. "You said you were coming Friday," Steven accuses. "Today is Friday," notes Theo. "You said it this morning...Why not say, 'today'?" Steven gripes. Theo doesn't understand why compassion and human decency had to die in this age of terror. "You'd think under the current climate, people would be nicer," he snipes. "We're all Americans." Except for those of you who are Canadian or British, which is, like, half the cast. Steven explains uncomfortably that this is a bad time because he's got a date planned with his girlfriend. Theo's amazed that Steven found a girl who didn't mistake him for a scarecrow. He's also wounded that Steven never told him. Steven promises that Theo will have fun, and that Ron, Shaggy and Heath will show him the glories of college. Lest we doubt him, Steven whips out the adjective to erase all uncertainty: wicked.

Naturally, Heath, Ron, and Shaggy refuse to handhold Theo through his first night on the big campus. Steven begs them. They're immune to his words. "No way," Heath states. "We're trying to hook up with some birds tonight, and [Vesuvius] is enough of an obstacle." Vesuvius gurgles. It knows. Shaggy winces. He also knows. Steven swears that if he doesn't make this date happen, he'll lose Lizzie, and it can't be the perfect night of love if Theo's hanging around trying to be Laurence Fishbourne. "Boom shaka-laka," shouts Theo; he's playing ping-pong with The Samoan, who isn't wearing his Jerry Rice jersey today. I hope the love affair hasn't ended. Ron deems it a perfect night of love, "for me to POOP on!" Huh. One of the rare jokes that only works if you're a rubber dog and you have someone's hand jammed up your ass. "You guys really suck, you know that?" spits Steven angrily. Heath wrestles with his conscience, and gets pinned like a sorority girl in heat. He reluctantly agrees to take Keanu -- except duh, Theo is Morpheus, not Neo -- as long as the kid can keep up. Steven thanks him effusively. "Beeyatch!" shouts Theo, smashing the ping-pong ball straight into The Samoan's belly where it belongs.

Steven gleefully plucks a can of whipped cream off the grocery-store shelf. Rachel sighs and puts it back, shaking her head. This kicks off a montage of supermarket tomfoolery. Steven grabs a literal armload of condom boxes and grins, "Well, I think I have enough condoms...for tonight!" Rachel and Larice stare at him and shake their heads. Then Steven holds up two bottles and asks a disenchanted checkout boy whether the heat-activated or edible massage oil is best. Finally, Steven surveys his haul of wine, cheese, roses, and candles and proclaims this "the most specialest night ever!" He is three. And how is he getting out of there with wine? Only the world's blindest and stupidest person would think Steven is of age. "Eric can bite my DUST!" Steven whoops, then hops on the cart and rides it triumphantly down the aisle, only to crash into another cart and fall. Rachel and Larice grimace again. They do a lot of that.

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Undeclared

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