Truth Or Dare

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Truth Or Dare

Surveillance Mischief in C Minor plays as Ron covertly guides his posse across campus. Exhaling dreamily, he points to the object of his affection -- a cute, blonde, perky tour guide played by Busy Philipps (who also plays Audrey on Dawson's Creek). Her name on this show is Kelly -- perhaps a nod to her Freaks & Geeks character Kim Kelly -- and she's clad in maroon knee socks, a khaki skirt, and a maroon UNEC hat and preppy shirt. Ron gazes at her adoringly while she conducts the tour. The guys want an introduction, but Ron confesses that he's never gotten any closer than this: "But I know what I need to -- she's cute, enthusiastic, has a good...sense of location, of landmarks...." He trails off, sounding pathetic but sweet. He's enthralled, and the other three guys swap smirks. Kelly leans down to a junior-high kid and flirts, "I bet you don't have to worry about picking a dorm, now, do you? Because, what, you're in grad school now?" Ron drools. The tour group laughs politely. Ron sighs that this is already the most fulfilling relationship he's ever had.

Suddenly, Lizzie bounds over to Kelly and gives her a huge hug, which leaves the guys agape. "Lookie there," Heath points. Kelly, apparently not a freshman herself, announces to the group that Lizzie was one of her freshman little sisters. Shaggy excitedly points out that Ron has a connection to Kelly now, but Ron's way too scared to meet her. "Talking would ruin it," he frets. "She's perfect. I don't want to change the image." So Heath, being insensitive, stands up and bellows, "Lizzie!" Ron immediately flees, and Kelly and Lizzie watch him with interest as he slips on his puddle of drool, lands on his panting tongue, and sleds on it across the quad, a saliva-fueled Slip-n-Slide of Lust. Or maybe he just runs away screaming. Either way, he's busted. "You guys know nothing about women!" he screams as he escapes. Lizzie waves cutely.

Steven strolls down the dorm hallway and hears rap music coming from what looks like a janitor's closet. He pokes his head around the door and spies the inscrutable, chameleonic co-ed Perry. He's a dork, a stud, a wheeler-dealer, and...more dork, all rolled into one vaguely Van Der Beekian package. Except Perry isn't hideous and has a normal head. Perry offers Steven a free soda, stolen while the vending-machine man took a bathroom break. He also explains that he's living in this hovel because when he registered, they had no rooms left on campus. "That sucks," decides Steven. "Sucks it does not!" Perry snorts. Whoa, that sentence structure has now made two appearances in as many minutes. Perry shares that his rent is discounted, in exchange for keeping mops in the corner and "some boxes of that stuff they put on vomit." The hovel is done up in posters and corkboards, with a halogen lamp poking out amid a cluster of cleaning supples. He brags that, what with the exposed pipes, he can keep the room three to four degrees hotter than all the others, giving female visitors an incentive to disrobe. Because apparently his varied charms aren't enough. Hey, Perry? These girls don't need incentives. They strip down for Dead Man On Campus. At least you have a pulse. The guys bond over Perry's copy of Total Recall, and it's all going so well for a first date until Jack the Janitor breaks the mood by stopping by for a mop. "That guy is so old-school," says Perry affectionately. Steven winces.

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