Undercovers

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Some Assembly Required

We begin tonight with a grizzled military guy talking on the phone in the middle of the desert. He's working out a deal for something that will happen the day of the Global Business Summit. Hmm... terrorism, perhaps? It's always so hard to schedule terrorism. Do you do it on a Monday? Do you do it during a big event and steal the thunder away from those event organizers. They work so hard, you know. In any case, it appears we have a terroristic deal.

And we're off, driving across the vast, bumpy desert in two large SUVs. Our Grizzled Guy is the driver of one of the vehicles and there are two businessmen in suits in the back. In the other vehicle, one of the other two businessmen in transit asks the driver to avoid the potholes. "You'll have to leave Pakistan for that," the driver replies slightly annoyed. We're in Pakistan, guys!

We pull up to a large research facility. The army guys get out with their machine guns and let the businessmen into the building with a keycard. They follow behind the businessmen through a long hallway as they talk business, as businessmen tend to do. They have eight researchers working currently on advances in the fiber optics of Pakistan with great results, they say. One of the suits starts talking about a particular researcher named Dr. Nasir who is especially skilled, but he is interrupted by Grizzled Guy who asks if she is currently onsite. All four businessmen turn around to look at the four security guys. It's like they're a stark reflective contrast. Suits vs. Grunts. The suit who was doing all the talking replies to Grizzled Guys' question in the affirmative, but with a look on his face which says, "Why would you care to know? You're just supposed to be holding your machine gun and looking scary for us." Grizzled Guy pulls his machine gun up from the hip and empties his clip into the four suits. The security guy next to him freaks out, but Grizzled Guy ignores the freak out to instruct another security man who is just as calm as he is to go secure the perimeter. It's obvious this was planned by everyone except Freak Out Guy. Grizzled Guy says as much when he tells Freak Out Guy he couldn't have handled knowing about this and then leaves him to go into the research room. He immediately opens fire and slaughters everyone in the room except for a female researcher who dives to the ground. GG goes up to her and has to repeat her name twice before she responds. "Dr. Nasir. I have a job for you." She asks why she would do anything for him. Grizzled Guy produces a photograph of Dr. Nasir and her husband who GG says he has already kidnapped. This is the very reason I refuse to get married. My wife would totally get me kidnapped and used as collateral in a terrorist plot. This opening sequence has affirmed my life choice.

Abrupt cut to the hustle and bustle of the Blooms' Catering Kitchen. As can be expected at this point, the two are arguing. This time it's about something Steven didn't do. The rest of the kitchen crew wants to know what the fuss is about. Sam reveals that it's because Steven did not read the instructions before breaking their new coffee machine. This big, awesome, fat chef guy is like, "Oh, that's an expensive machine, Mr. B." Something tells me there's a more interesting show following that guy. Lizzy shows up and warns the couple that "the hotel guy is here" and he's right behind her. Like, right behind her, and as she says this, she turns around to find Carlton Shaw right behind her.

We're now in that perfectly secure room with the glass walls at the Catering Kitchen. Shaw has put Dr. Nasir's file in front of the Undercovers. He explains she has been kidnapped and that her specialty is developing miniaturized computer processors as well as miniaturized explosives. Oh, man... mini bombs. Do you have any idea what you could do with one of those? You could take out an entire Lego city. Shaw next presents the file on Grizzled Guy who is named John Seidel, along with his brother Bruce who was the Freaked Out Guy. They're part of a private military cell that was hired as security detail for the businessmen they offed. The man John Seidel trusted to secure the perimeter earlier was a man named Kruger who the CIA has tracked to the West Indies. Shaw admits it pains him in the groin to give this job to someone who can't even operate a coffee machine. Pain in the groin is never something you should take lightly, Shaw. Get that checked out immediately. It's entirely worth avoiding being called "1-Ball Shaw" the rest of your life. Mr. Shaw also reveals he can't stand the Blooms' simultaneous yammering. The two respond with a, "Sorry," simultaneously. Shaw, I think you might be me projected into this show. I feel your pain... except that whole groin thing.

Before the Undercovers can take off on this mission they need to tie up some loose ends. Sam tells Lizzy she'll need to take over a catering job for an engagement party because she and Steven are heading to San Francisco to work for Shaw. That's a solid story, but Lizzy is concerned and claims she knows what's going on with all this secret stuff with Shaw. Sam's eyes go wide, but it turns out Lizzy just thinks the Blooms are taking this job because the business isn't making any money and they might be shutting down. Lizzy has a moment of self-induced panic because she needs this job and doesn't want to go back to drinking again to pass the days. You know, at this point I think I'd already welcome such a train wreck on this show. Sam assures Lizzy everything is fine with the business. Back at home, Steven walks around shirtless while he and Sam pack up for their mission. I may not be gay, but I'm not stupid and/or dead. I'd pay this man top dollar to stand in my living room naked in a statuesque pose. I'd establish a no-touching rule and invite women over to see my Steven statue so they'd get riled up and have to resort to sleeping with me. I know we're only two episodes in, but it's ridiculous this hasn't already been an evil plot on this show. Samantha takes over packing for Steven because his method involves just cramming clothes into a bag without folding, so Steven decides he'll read the mission brief. Sam teases him for actually prepping for his missions, unlike how he tackled the coffee machine. Let it go, woman! The two end up in bed together, each with a mission dossier. They figure Dr. Nasir is in a tough position where she can' be blamed if she complies with a demand to build a bomb. Their only hope is to try to apprehend Kruger at his hotel in the West Indies.

Postcard transition to Turks and Caicos. Steven lies on a chair poolside at a vast and crowded hotel swimming pool. He speaks through his earpiece to Samantha who is on the other side of the pool. Sam finds Kruger and introduces herself as "Jamie Datnow." Hollis Kruger is predictably flustered at the site of this woman in a bikini datnow is standing in front of him and is completely OK with her taking a seat next to him. Through her earpiece, Steven reminds Sam, "Remember sweetie, this guy's a killer."

CGI ring title card and commercials.

A subtitle reads "Stockholm" on this establishing shot of an out-of-commission naval ship. Dr. Nasir works diligently on explosives through a microscope. A henchman enters and startles her. She warns against that sort of things when she's, you know... handling explosives that will kill them all, but the guy just wants to know when she'll be finished. Nasir says to tell his boss it will be ready today. For her husband's sake, the henchman hopes she's telling the truth. He and his own henchmen start to walk out when Nasir calls after them that their boss promised she could see her husband when she's finished. The men all remain silent and just walk out on her as she looks down at the photo of her and her husband which Seidel showed her when she was kidnapped.

Back in the not depressing world of Turks and Caicos, Steven and Sam are still where we left them. Sam isn't saying anything to Kruger just yet, but 1 2 3 4 5Next

Undercovers

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