Episode Report Card
Pablo G: C+ | Grade It Now!
For Your Ass Only
"Decima" for the Roman goddess. You know, Xerxes was part of that whole Persian and Greco-Roman era. Not. Suspicious. As they look over the artwork, Tessa and Hoyt almost kiss. Surely it would be Hoyt's first kiss, but alas, it's not meant to be.

Hoyt goes to lament to Steven about his failure at love and life. He thinks Tessa's like an onion -- the more he peels her layers, the more he wants to cry. Homeboy is in love with an onion. Who are you to judge? Hoyt realizes him and Tessa would never work out. Steven advises Hoyt to just go for it as Sam enters and overhears. Hoyt exits, which gives Sam and Steven a window of opportunity for some sexy time. Getting it on with the help has always been a fantasy of Samantha's. They kiss and make-up and then get it on. Somehow, this fades into Steven and Hoyt waking up in the room together to find the forgery painting has finished printing. They're off to go make the switch.

It's still dark out. Skulking out in the courtyard, Hoyt follows Steven's lead. Everything's going great until that Donald Trump lookalike and his spiky-haired henchman come up from behind and hold them at gunpoint. Trump: "Take them off premises and kill them." Seriously, this needs to be on the next Apprentice.


It's the next day at the auction and Sam is worried that she hasn't heard from Steven. Clive thinks there has to be an explanation. The explanation is Steven and Hoyt are tied up in the back of a van being driven to their final resting spots. Steven manages to undo their handcuffs with a wire key. They climb out of opposite sides of the truck and make their way to the driver. Driver pulls a gun and shoots at them both, but he can't really shoot at them both at the same time, so Steven finally catches him aiming at Hoyt and punches him out. He grabs the driver and tosses him out of the truck so they can commandeer the vehicle. Hoyt feels like the Sundance Kid. If only.

Back at the auction, Clive suddenly remembers he forgot something back at the room, which sucks because the auction is just about to begin. What doesn't suck is Steven and Hoyt's would-be killer left his cell phone in the truck, so they're able to call Samantha to warn her that the painting up for sale is the real painting with the formula. Steven describes Donald Trump to Samantha, who she believes she saw Clive talking to at the reception. Sam spots him sitting in the auction crowd on the phone receiving instructions for bidding. There's nothing Sam can do to prevent Trump from winning the auction, but Steven and Hoyt enter the auction just as Trump is collecting the painting. They try to trace the phone call Trump was on, but the area the caller is located in is too secure. Samantha remembers a conversation she had with Clive earlier about their hotel room being secured thusly, which leads her to believe Clive might be Xerxes. Sam goes after him while Steven and Hoyt stay behind to follow the buyer. Sam pulls her gun and enters their hotel room. She finds Clive lying on the floor with a gunshot wound to the gut. He's able to impart that Tessa shot him when he walked in and saw her on the phone. Tessa is Xerxes. Twist! What is it about the gunmen in this show never finishing the job so they don't get ratted out?


Tessa walks out of the hotel looking like a model in a hot, black dress and shades. She hops into a Mercedes and drives off. Sam's called an ambulance as she applies pressure to Clive's wound and gives all the details to the 911 operator. He's in pretty bad shape, but nobody with a major speaking part dies on this show.

Steven and Hoyt tail Trump in their bright white waiter suits and somehow are never spotted. Buyer takes a call from Tessa and is pissed that he has the formula and she is nowhere to be found. She corrects him that he doesn't actually have the formula and there's been a change of plans. The painting starts beeping and he blows up. Like, KABOOM! Seriously. In a giant plume of fire. A man. Blows. Up. Steven gets a call from Sam after witnessing this. "I don't know what the hell just happened, but the painting is gone. It just blew up and so did the guy." We'd like an explanation, too. Sam figures Tessa switched out the painting herself before the auction. Steven's confused about all of this until Sam explains Tessa is Xerxes. Hoyt overhears this and his heart breaks.

Florence, Italy. Our American operatives are meeting with Shaw, who says MI-6 will be taking over the case. Everyone's pissed. Shaw says Tessa had been using vacations to meet with prospective buyers for the formula. This clicks with Hoyt that she had been giving confirmation numbers out when he overheard her phone call. In fact, he even remembered both 7-digit numbers so he could maybe stalk her later. Oh, Hoyt. You so crazy. Sam realizes the numbers are actually coordinates. They resolve to Hong Kong.

Hong Kong postcard. There's a man in his office looking over the painting. Steven steps out from the shadows with his gun drawn. The man tries to call to security but Steven's already taken them out. That was easy.


Steven grabs the painting from the man and asks where Tessa is. She's in the parlor across from the plaza waiting for the money, he says, because he probably doesn't want to be shot in the face.

In the parlor, there are a bunch of old people playing mahjong. Tessa sits alone at a table and sips tea. Outside, the Undercovers plan their approach. Hoyt wants to take point on this because he's still heartbroken. Inside, he finds that she's gone from her table and has gone out the backdoor. Steven spots her outside and just yells, "HEY!" She turns and shoots at him. I mean, what was he hoping to accomplish by just yelling like that and giving away his position? This episode's foot chase ensues. Samantha's able to cut Tessa off in an alley with her car, but Tessa shoots out the windows. She turns to run the other way when Hoyt jumps out from a nook and clubs her really hard with a pole. Like, he probably needlessly broke some of her ribs, but, hey, all's fair in love and war. He picks her up off the ground to collar her and leans in to her ear to let her know that if she wasn't a criminal they could've had a future together. Looks like she dodged a bullet.

At Undercovers House, Sam takes her file folder of her sham marriage alias and burns it in the fireplace. Steven takes a seat beside her and just starts telling the story of his dismissal from training without being prompted because he feels he deserves to tell his side of the story. He was part of a special unit in which only 10 people qualified. He spotted a girl he thought was cute and hacked into a database to find out what her name was. Clive knew about this and ratted Steven out, getting him kicked out of the program. It turns out the girl he risked his career for was Samantha. I won't even dignify this reveal with a sarcastic, "Big surprise." Steven implies it was no coincidence he was able to meet Samantha the next year at headquarters after finding out her name. They kiss. What kind of small-time bullshit is this? We really don't need any more affirmation that these two love each other, OK? We need some intrigue, please. K, thanks.

-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. He co-hosts TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, The Cowboys Blog, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.

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